1. Art and Diseño

My Christian Love Life Sucks
Ladies Edition
Veonne Lightburn
His Kingdom Bookshelf Publishing
2014
Copyright © 2014 Veonne Lightburn
Author: Veonne Lightburn
Editor: Catina Woods
Artwork: Derek Reynolds
Copyright © 2014 by Veonne Lightburn
All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used
in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher
except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or scholarly journal.
First Printing: 2014
ISBN 13: 978-0692259535
His Kingdom Bookshelf Publishing
www.mychristianlovelife.com
Preface
Dear Reader,
First, I want to thank you for picking up this book. After a process of
2 years of writing this book, I can truly say that it was definitely worth
the process and the wait. I can say the heart breaks, the pain and all
were worth it. Even in the process of writing this book, I went
through a heartbreak, which I felt disqualified me to write, however,
it made this book even more impactful and relatable. I can definitely
say that I am grateful for that. I am guaranteeing that God is going to
speak to you as you read this book. After all, He still speaks to me
when I read it. I am honored that you are trusting in the words that
Holy Spirit has written through me in this book.
To the young men that have picked up this book: I know that this is
the Ladies’ edition, but I believe that God can still speak to you as
you read throughout this life changing book. Maybe you can relate to
some of the topics. If not, pass this book on to a young lady or single
mother who can truly benefit from reading it. But I pray that you
don’t completely dismiss reading it, God had you pick up this book
for a reason. Thank you for your support!
Beloved, I look forward to hearing the many testimonies that
come forth, from your life, as you become transformed by reading
My Christian Love Life Sucks.
You Are Loved,
Veonne Lightburn
5
UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
Growing up as a young adult I came to realize that numerous
people fall in love with the idea of falling in love (and not to forget,
falling in love in an unrealistic way). 9 times out of 10, you are not
going to be in a castle, expecting Prince Charming to rescue you as he’s
riding on a white horse. In real life, you will find someone that you will
have feelings for, and you will ignorantly call it love if you don’t
understand what true love is1. Just because you find someone that has
qualities in common with you, doesn’t mean that the person is your
significant other. Honestly, I couldn’t tell you how many BOYS that I
ignorantly called ‘my future husband’ (notice the emphasis on boys).
Through the various, immature relationships that I’ve had (not to
mention the season of believing I was homosexual – that’s another story
for another book), I never knew what true love was.
We’ve become a culture defined by unrealistic lifestyles and
unrealistic expectations, including the way that we view sex and love.
Before finishing this book get rid of all the unrealistic expectations and
judgments that you have kept in your mind on what you believe a
relationship and perfect husband should be.
1
You will read more about this in section 2 of this book.
I had unreasonable, unrealistic expectations due to the impact of
television and cultural views of love. Most importantly, my
expectations of a perfect relationship would never be satisfied because
I was never pleased or satisfied with who I was as a young lady. When
I say this, I speak in the context of never being satisfied with my
physical appearance, my personality, nor the fact that I was never able
to fit in cliques. I would constantly change my identity for the sake of
fitting in with others, and when I changed my appearance, I never was
accepted by my peers. No matter how much I compromised in my
dating relationships, I was never satisfied. No matter how “good” they
made me feel, I would still feel incomplete – hence the reason you go
farther and “do” more to get another temporary sexual high. Someone’s
ability to give you an orgasm is not the sign of true love; that is a
deception.
Recently, an ex-boyfriend from my high school days found me on
Facebook, and I thought to myself, “O my goodness! This would be a
great opportunity to give him the Gospel.2” When I spoke with this
gentleman, via Facebook, it was a nice chat. He asked me for my phone
number and I gave it to him, expecting to minister to him. The
conversation on the phone was a bit awkward, but I still prayed for him.
Suddenly after the prayer, he got aggressive and asked me the following
question: “Did you really love me?” I told him I didn’t know what love
was in high school, even though I thought I did at the time. With the
following explanation, I also told him how I was also confused when it
came to my identity in high school. This young gentleman got really
frustrated and asked me the same question over and over again. He
began to tell me how I lied to him and I never loved him; you
could hear the bitterness and resentment that developed in his heart.
Five years had passed and he held on to a grudge that I was
completely unaware of. I asked him why he was so upset and he
responded, “You don’t remember what you did to me?” I simply
responded, “No, I don’t remember.” An awkward silence filled the
airwaves. “You broke up with me on Christmas.” When he spoke this,
2
Considering I’ve changed since the last time we’ve talked, which was high school
I could feel the hurt in his heart. “Are you serious?! I didn’t know I did
that to you.” I replied. “And you did it through a text message, Veonne.3”
Clearly, this young man was hurt, I would be too. I was truly unaware
that I was this blunt in my youth. It was sad to see that he held bitterness
in his heart towards women because of this stupid thing I did in high
school – a Christmas text message breakup. Eventually, I apologized to
him and he listened to what I had to say about God. The outrageous thing
was that he couldn’t receive Christ before the apology because I
offended him and caused him pain in the past.
Do not allow anyone to hurt you
to a point where you become bitter in
your view towards God. The lack of
forgiveness blinds you to God’s plan
for your life.
But it all goes back to accepting yourself. How could any
individual be satisfied with another when they haven’t truly learned to
love themselves? It is impossible!
I had a five star expectation with a two star mentality.
I was unlovable. I was hurting, constantly looking for someone to
heal my “fatherless daughter” wound. The only thing that produces in
a relationship such as this, is a co-dependent, critical, bitter person that
has high expectations without reflecting on our own downfalls. How
dare we look at the imperfections of others and ignore our own
imperfections (mentioned in Matthew 7:3)?”
If you aren’t perfect, don’t expect anyone else to be perfect.
Going in a relationship with unrealistic expectations is a big reason
that many relationships fail, especially Christian relationships. Here is
a list of some unrealistic expectations.
Ouch! I truly forgot. I repented, I really did. Ladies, don’t do this to anyone. It’s the
worst way to break up with someone.
3
Unrealistic Expectation #1 - Dating someone, who does not
meet your standards, convinced that you can change him to be the
perfect man you want him to be.
You cannot change a man to be who you want him to be. If you go
in a relationship expecting to change someone, it will be an unhealthy,
frustrating relationship. Numerous young women are stuck in unhealthy
relationships because they think they can change a man who truly have
no intentions of changing.
In this situation, young women give everything that they have to
offer (their time, money, gifts, sexual favors, etc.).
WARNING: You cannot change a man that you are in a
relationship with.
Before considering marriage with any man, be sure that he is the
right package. What do I mean by this? Am I saying that he has to be
perfect? No. What I am telling you is that your potential spouse should
have the right head on his shoulders, he should be established as a true
man of God, established financially and mature enough to care for you
and your future family. If ‘the man of your dreams’ does not have this
as a foundation, he is not your husband. If you think that he is, your
dreams are not big enough, considering you call him the man of your
dreams. Dream bigger. Do not go into a relationship with someone who
is immature and cannot care for himself financially. Let me put it this
way, if he cannot provide for himself, what makes you think he can
provide for you or a future family? If he does not care about himself,
he will not care about you because he doesn’t know how to. Everything
begins with self and eventually branches out to other people. If the man
that you are dating, or considering to date, has not matured now, he is
not ready to grow up and does not look to change.
I assume you are thinking to yourself: “Well how do you know
this, Veonne? I’ve seen him change a little.” Let me put it this way,
99.9% of men will agree with this statement: If a man wants something,
he will do anything to get it. In other words, if a man wants change, he
will change; if a man does not want change, he will not change. And
what you have to understand is that lip service is one thing, but it’s
someone’s actions that makes the difference. I’ve heard plenty of men
tell young ladies that they want to change, however, these men do not
take the proper steps to change. Some men use this statement loosely
to keep women at their side; men say that statement to keep you bound
in wishful thinking. But if you want to know if your potential soul mate
wants change, watch his actions and don’t just take his word for it.
“What good does it do, my brothers, if someone claims to have
faith but does not prove it with actions? This kind of faith cannot save
him, can it?” James 2:14 (ISV)
Unrealistic Expectation #2 - Giving someone your virginity
expecting that he will stay with you because he was your first.
This rule applies with women and young women who aren’t virgins
as well.
Having sex with someone does not guarantee that the relationship
will last, especially outside of marriage. The University of Iowa did a
study on 3,793 girls (ages 17 and younger) who had sex for the first
time in their teen years and compared them to young women (ages 18
and older) who waited until marriage to have sex and these were the
results:
• 31% divorced within 5 years as compared to 15%
• 47% divorced within 10 years as compared to 27%
• 31% had premarital sex with multiple partners versus 24%
• 29% experienced premarital conceptions versus 15%
• 25% had a baby before marriage as opposed to 10%
This study shows that those young women who had sex before
marriage had a higher risk for divorce than those who waited. With this
statistic at hand, it reflects that having sex before marriage does not
make matters better; it only complicates and damages relationships.
I’ve seen many relationships fail, due to a lack of revelation regarding
sex. Giving someone your virginity/sex is not the proper tool to express
that you love them, especially before marriage.
Being a virgin is an honor. Many people harshly persecute virgins
simply because the persecutor regrets giving away their virginity.
People realize the value of purity after it is given away. Do not despise
your virginity. Recognize that your body has been made for the Lord
and it is not to be used as an object of convenient pleasure.
“…But you can’t say that our bodies were made for sexual
immorality. They were made holy; you were made right with God by
calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our
God (1 Corinthians 6:13c, NLT).”
Our bodies do not belong to us; it belongs to God. He didn’t create
our bodies to be abused and used for sexual pleasures outside of
marriage. He created our bodies to be His dwelling place.
“Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit,
who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your
own; you were bought at a price. Therefore, honor God with your
bodies”1 Corinthians 10:19-20 (NIV).
Every time that you decide to have sex outside of marriage – you
offend Holy Spirit. Your body is meant to be treasured. You have been
made in the image of God. Allow God’s presence to fill you. Allow God
to dwell in you. Don’t allow relationships to devalue your body.
The enemy doesn’t like the fact that you are made in God’s
image. Therefore, He wants to pervert it in any way possible so that
God does not dwell in you. The devil knows that if you are having
premarital sex God cannot have His way in your life. The devil knows
that if he can make you think about sex, you will eventually conform
to having sex. The devil knows that if he can put someone in your way
to tempt you to have sex – you will do it. Stop falling for the traps of
the devil and stand up for yourself. Rebuke Him! Bind every thought
that he puts in your mind. Don’t meditate on those thoughts or let your
body (hormones) tell you what to do – you tell them what to do! Tell
them to align with the thoughts of God. Tell your body to come into
alignment with God’s will for your life.
And no, God’s will is not for you to have sex before marriage and
it is definitely not for you to masturbate until you get rid of your sexual
craving. Masturbation is a sin. You have to have dominion over your
body and your mind. When Jesus died on the cross and rose again on
the third day, He took the keys of life and death from the enemy. When
Jesus rose again, He was given authority over sin, sickness and disease.
Most of all, He took authority over the power of the enemy! When Jesus
died and rose again, He gave us the same authority.
The problem: if you don’t have a revelation that you’ve been given
authority, then you will not use it. I’m here to let you know that you’ve
been given authority over the enemy and over the feelings that you
have. Stop living naturally, and start living supernaturally. Living
supernaturally is rising above the natural point of view, and viewing
life by the ways of the Spirit. Let Holy Spirit guide you and lead you to
the right paths. Elevate beyond your feelings. Command the enemy to
leave your thoughts. Recognize that this battle is not against flesh and
blood. Recognize that it’s not your “body” making you react a certain
way, but it is a spiritual battle. What am I saying? Demonic spirits are
making you feel as though you are sexually frustrated. No wonder they
call it “horny”. It’s demonic! These are demonic spirits taking
advantage of your body! It’s from the pits of hell! You must take a stand
and command the enemy and his demons to leave your thoughts and
your body. Break all soul ties and mindsets that you have with an
individual that you’ve had sex with. Throw away all sex toys and
pornography that you have! It’s time to have a fresh start!
Is It Too Late?
If you have had sex before marriage, do not be discouraged! I want
to let you know that you are not defined by your past. I say this not for
you to continue having sex outside of marriage, but I say this with hope
that you would change your mind in the way that you view yourself,
your body and your relationships. God wants to make all things new for
you.
“And the one sitting on the throne said, ‘Look, I am making
everything new!’ And then he said to me, ‘Write this down, for what I
tell you is trustworthy and true’” (Revelations, 21:5 NLT).
God is telling us to see that He has made all things new! We have
to open our eyes to perceive that He has done this for us. What is the
definition of perceive? The Greek word for perceive is katanoeō. This
word means to observe, understand, to consider attentively and fix
one’s eyes or mind upon (G2657, Strongs Comcordance). God doesn’t
want you to only have head knowledge that He has made all things new,
He wants you to consider this with every breath that you breathe. Every
day is considered a blessing. Every second is made new just for you.
When we live life with our eyes closed, we never see through Kingdom
vision (God’s vision) that God wants to graciously give. Human nature
has a distorted vision of life, but the vision of God leads to a life of
restoration, healing, and hope. You may regret losing your virginity, or
maybe someone took that from you by force: know that God is here to
make all things new for you, right now.
‘Well Veonne, how is God going to make all things new even
though everything is already ruined? The damage has already been
done.’ This is a great question. The Bible says that the blood of Jesus
washes you white as snow. How? The blood of Jesus heals and restores.
Even though you don’t physically see the blood of Jesus, the power that
it has is so powerful that it has affected all generations. The blood of
Jesus was spilled naturally, but affects us spiritually. His blood was pure
and sinless4. Since Jesus was sent as the sinless sacrifice, God saw Him
as the perfect fit to be Savior for all human kind. So, when Jesus
experienced all 39 stripes on His back from the broken pottery, glass
pieces and spikes and each whip was for every disease and sickness
that is on Earth today. It’s amazing because there are 39 categories of
sicknesses and diseases. Every stripe on His body was on your behalf.
You may be thinking that you don’t need physical healing. Did you
know that healing isn’t limited to just the body? Healing is available for
you emotionally. Maybe you have the lack of forgiveness, maybe you
have emotional damage from a relationship or childhood abuse – only
the blood of Jesus can heal you. Let’s look at Isaiah 53:5.
“But he was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins. He was
beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we could be healed”
(Isaiah 53:5, NLT).
Everything that Jesus went through was a reflection of what we
deserved as sinners. The Bible says that no one can stand before God
with sin in their lives. Honestly, we deserved death; we deserved to be
4
His blood has the power to free all who are willing to receive salvation!
beaten. But Jesus took our place. As we accept Jesus as our Lord and
Savior, we no longer carry the guilt and shame of sin. Jesus took away
the shame, because He no longer sees sin when He looks at us, He sees
a child of God.
“This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new
person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun” (2 Corinthians 5:17
NIV)!
I personally understand what it is like to have your innocence taken
away from you. However, I had to take hold of forgiveness and take
the action to forgive those who hurt me. Having the lack of forgiveness
in your heart is like drinking poison while staring at the person who
hurt you, expecting them to die from the poison that you are drinking.
Unforgiveness is a sin and in the end, it only hurts you. I had to learn
that God had plans to make all things new for me. God showed me that
my purpose would only be activated though forgiveness. The only way
I was able to understand this was by having the revelation that the lack
of forgiveness was a strong hold. A strong hold is something that has a
grip on your life and keeps you from moving forward. If I never tried
to understand God’s restoration plan for me, I would have lived a life
of bitterness with the lack of forgiveness towards men and love. You
can never move forward with the root and stronghold of unforgiveness
in your heart.
When I say root, I want you to think of a tree. Everything thought
in your mind starts with a word. Every word planted in your mind is a
seed. When the seed begins to take root in the soil, which is your mind,
it then takes root into your soul. You cultivate the seed when meditating
on those thoughts and talking about how that situation has ruined your
life. The longer the seed stays in fertile soil, over time the seed becomes
a tree. You must understand that even if you go to counseling, you
aren’t dealing with the root issue. Counseling only clips the leaves and
the branches. As long as the roots remain in the ground, the tree will
continue to grow. You must uproot the tree of unforgiveness. Deal with
the root of the issue of why you resent men.
When you do not forgive an individual, that person still has control
over your life. You must let go and allow God to heal that area of your
life. Forgive the person that has taken your virginity from you; forgive
the person you’ve given your virginity to and most importantly forgive
yourself.
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us [our]
sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9, KJV).
Beyond the Past
The biggest downfall in someone’s life is living in the past because
they cannot grow beyond that moment in time of pain. That’s why you
may find adults who act like children because they haven’t grown past
that time of pain and suffering they experienced in their childhood.
Some people may lack the maturity to forgive, so they are easily
angered. Remember, you can’t grow past the moment in time the
unforgiveness took root in your life. Are you an adult but still stuck in
your 5 year old nightmare?
The past stagnates and cripples you
from moving forward.
If you are desiring change and you want to let go of sexual sin and
promiscuity, declare these words:
“Jesus, forgive me for my sins and wrong doings. I have the desire
of sexual immorality in my heart and I declare now that I am free from
this sin. I make you the Lord of my life and my mind. I declare that I
am no longer bound by the chains and mindsets of immorality. I break
all ties, soul ties and spiritual relationships that connect me to my past.
I declare that I am free by the blood of Jesus which makes all things
new! Amen!”
If you have unforgiveness and you desire to be set free, say this
prayer out loud, boldly with the belief that you’ve overcome!
Lord, I have the spirit of unforgiveness in my heart, please forgive
me. Help me to forgive [name(s)] for [what they did to you]. Heal all
deep wounds that I have. I forgive them from [what they did to you].
Cleanse me from the pain and the hurt. Show me how to forgive them,
daily. Show me how to pray for [name(s)]. I declare that I am free from
their control. I am set free from the pain. I declare that I am set free
from the bondage. I break all ties with [name(s)], I break all ties with
what they’ve done to me – and by the Blood of Jesus I am free! Amen!
After declaring a prayer such as this, you have to understand that
you are now going into a spiritual war. Temptations are the bullets and
it is your job to fight back and dodge the bullets that come your way!
“For we are not struggling against human beings, but against the
rulers, authorities and cosmic powers governing this darkness, against
the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realm” (Ephesians 6:12,
CJB).
You will feel tempted to hold unforgiveness against those who
have hurt you. Forgiveness is a daily process and it is your job to take
hold of forgiveness every day.
Your temptation may be sex, but my sister in Christ, your fight is
not against sexual temptation, your fight is against spiritual beings
whose goal and assignment is to destroy your life and your future
marriage5. The more you yield to sexual sin, the more you damage your
God given purity. After many heartbreaks, that may seem impossible
to believe that you are beautiful and perfect in the eyes of God. But
beautiful, it’s true. God loves you, and He does not want to take
advantage of you. He will never fail you. I know at times it may seem
hard to believe that God cares about every detail of your life, but He
does.
“Your eyes saw me when I was only a fetus. Every day [of my life]
was recorded in your book before one of them had taken place” (Psalm
139:19 GWT).
God cares so much about you that He allows your dating disasters
to take place – only because He wants you to have the perfect person
He created just for you. What do I mean by this: Sometimes you have
to go through obstacles to get to the real deal. You live to learn.
5
Don’t be afraid of this. God has given you authority over every evil spirit that tries to
attack you.
Obstacles prepare you for
the real deal.
Many times, God never told you to date a particular person, but
you decided to take the risk. Many of you never considered God in your
dating choices: thus your Christian love life sucks. Back to the matter
at hand. Before you fall in love with Mr. Perfect, God desires for you to
fall in love with Him first.
Now, before we move on to the next unrealistic expectation in
relationships, I have to let you become aware of a Christian realistic
expectation: Just because you said the prayers in this book does not
mean that life will suddenly become easier. In reality, you will feel
the urge to go back to the norm and familiar; you will be tempted to
take back those words you prayed because you may possibly think
about what that person has done to you. The devil isn’t happy that you
are committing to live a life of purity and forgiveness. He will try every
trick in the book to keep you stuck in your past and your past sexual
memories. If you repeated the prayer of forgiveness, the enemy will try
to bring those hurtful memories and temptations back to your mind in
the very near future. The enemy will also attempt to make you think that
you aren’t set free. One of the enemies’ greatest tactics is putting doubt
in your mind simply because you cannot have faith if you doubt. It’s
impossible to move forward when you have doubt in your heart. The
Bible tells us, without faith it is impossible to please God – therefore
the enemy will try to enforce doubt in your mind. Remain strong and
believe by faith, that you are free because God says that you are free.
Unrealistic Expectation #3 – Constantly dating using this
prayer as a confirmation, “God, if this is the right person, give me
a sign” .
O my goodness, if I said this statement and followed every sign
that I’ve gotten, I would have been in an abusive relationship, trying to
survive on low income with three children from multiple fathers6. This
one statement is a trap and brings unrealistic results that leads to
damaged relationships. If you’ve said this statement many times, in
numerous relationships, I think that it’s about time to move on to
another method to find Mr. Perfect.
Why do we ask God to give us a sign? God has given us the ability
to hear His voice. If you only spend time with God on Sunday mornings
and Wednesday bible studies at church, I’m pretty sure that God isn’t
giving you the sign that this person is your significant other. I say this
because this shows that you don’t have an intimate relationship with
God. God isn’t a genie in a bottle. He is God of the universe and He is
your creator who loves you! Can you imagine having someone in your
life who just wants answers from you? Could you imagine this person
never talks to you about anything except what they want from you?
That’s a horrible relationship, and it’s a relationship that won’t go far.
We treat God like this at times. God will give us answers about our life
as we consult Him in every detail of our life on a daily basis. The Bible
lets us know that as we acknowledge Him in all of our ways, He will
surely direct our paths and make our ways straight. We must establish
a relationship with God if we expect anything from Him. Now, am I
telling you to establish a relationship with God only to get guidance for
your life? No.
Just as God hears you praying to Him, the devil hears you as well,
and as you ask for that sign, the devil will send “signs” to make you
think that it’s God answering your requests. The only way that you
would fall for false signs from the devil is by not establishing a
relationship with God. When your attention is focused on your
relationship with God, you will hear the warning from the Holy Spirit.
When you establish your relationship with God, you will trust Him and
ask Him about the relationship based on His will, and not how you feel.
Putting your emotions above God’s will consequently deafens your
ears to the voice of God and His will for your life. Asking God for a
6
Funny, over exaggerative, but true.
sign is only a question that people ask when they really have their mind
made up, but they just want to say, ‘at least I asked God’.
The truth is:
a. You don’t truly want to ask God because you think you know
what’s best.
b. It’s ‘too perfect’ for God not to say no.
c. You already have your mind made up.
In summary, resist asking God to give you a sign in regards to your
love life. Take the time to sit down, spend time with God (I will discuss
this in another chapter), be quiet for once and listen to what He has to
say to you7. If you don’t hear God immediately, don’t make immediate,
impatient decisions. Continue to put time aside to get the answer from
God.
“When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all
your heart” (Jeremiah 29:13 NRS).
When people usually hear this scripture, they hear the first part,
“when you search you will find.” However, God says you will find Him
‘when’ you seek Him with all your heart. The word ‘when’ is a word
of action. Therefore, if you don’t make the initiative to make ‘when’
time with God, you will not find Him. God also lets us know that when
we seek Him with our whole heart we will find Him. Let us not
halfheartedly seek Him and His wisdom – let’s go all in!
I don’t like it when people say that God isn’t listening to their
prayers. You want to know why God isn’t answering their prayers? It’s
because they only want Him for His hands and not His heart. They
never make the time to spend time with Him. Excuse my ranting, let
me get back to what I was saying. When He makes this statement, He
is mentioning that He is looking at your heart. So, if you go searching
for an answer with your mind already made up, do you think that you
will find Him? If your heart really set on finding ‘the perfect man’ by
yourself, you won’t get God’s best and I can say that confidently. When
you try to do God’s job for Him, you will only find a counterfeit of
what you are trying to find.
7 Don’t listen for this big, thunderous voice with lighting that comes out of the sky. The
misty clouds aren’t going to come from the door way.
Have you ever been in a situation where you talked to someone and
it was hard to communicate with them because they already had their
mind made up? When speaking to someone with a made up mind, it is
as though you are talking to a wall. Try talking to a wall, it won’t move
and it won’t respond to anything that you tell it. You will only hear your
own voice bouncing off of it. Talking to a wall is quite embarrassing8.
If you don’t like talking to the walls, imagine talking to your stubborn,
made up mind. I thank God for His grace and mercy, because I’ve had
plenty “made up mind moments” (sometimes I still do, I’m not perfect).
His grace and mercy has pulled me through – sometimes in a tough
way.
Unrealistic Expectation #4. Dating a person who cheated on his
girlfriend, with you, and you have an expectation that he will
remain faithful to you.
I’ve heard outrageous statements about men of all ages who talk to
young ladies about how they wish they weren’t dating their current
girlfriend, so they could be with the new girl. Unfortunately, I’ve seen
this trick work on many vulnerable, ‘innocent’ women of all ages. My
number one question that I would ask is this: If he created on her, what
makes you think that he would not cheat on you? I’ve heard the same
responses, “Because he said he loves me and I’m the perfect one for
him. He will never cheat on me, he told me that he never had feelings
for her.” After a moments time, also known as a season, these young
ladies were blindly, heart broken and abandoned by what seemed to be
‘the perfect romance’. To date a cheating man is to date a thief,
expecting that he will not steal from you. Taking immature risks is not
a mature thing to do in relationships. Like I mentioned earlier, wait for
that person to prove themselves through actions and not just their
words. What are the odds that he won’t cheat on you if he cheated to be
with you? The first problem that you ran into was talking to him on a
relationship level, knowing that he was in a relationship. If he discusses
his relationship issues with you – know that it is not your place to be
8 As a child, I was the one who would get in trouble in class for talking. I remember one
day I had to sit down and face the wall. I had a conversation with the wall to upset my teacher
and to make my classmates laugh – I was a trip.
his psychologist. Tell him to go figure it out himself. Honestly, if you
were in a relationship, you wouldn’t want another woman talking to
your boyfriend about your relationship issues. Remember: You reap
what you sow.
Unrealistic Expectation #5 - Dating someone because he
claimed he was a Christian with an expectation that he’s the perfect
man.
Let me be honest with you, no one is perfect, and no one will ever
be perfect. Just because a man carries the title of being a Christian
doesn’t mean he’s going to take away all your troubles, never
disappoint you, and bring you flowers with chocolates every day of
your life; this is unrealistic.
Many times I’ve seen young ladies deceived by a man who told her
that he was a Christian, but his heart was far away from God. The sad
thing is that if you don’t have your own personal relationship with God,
you will compromise in a relationship even though it is a
‘Christian relationship’. I’ve been in many relationships where
individuals told me that they were Christians, but when it came down
to their heart, they were lustful. These young men only said they were
Christian to reel me into a dangerous trap. Since I was not grounded in
my relationship with God, I was easy bait to be lead into a
compromising, sexual relationship.
I must tell you that just because a man tells you that he is a
Christian, it does not mean that he is a Kingdom man. Notice the two
terms that I used. There is a difference between being a Christian and
being a Kingdom individual. Some of you, and religious theologians,
will take this offensively, but allow me to help you understand the
difference. A person that proclaims themselves as a Christian has said
with their mouth that Jesus is the Lord of their life. A Christian title is
surface. Someone who says that they are a Christian knows how to look
like a Christian, act like a Christian and knows church better than the
pastor himself. Yeah, they may listen to Christian music, but they don’t
have a revelation of God moving in their life daily. Some Christians
have a pure heart. Some Christian people know about God, they
worship God, but they only know Him on a surface level. They are
unaware that there is more to God than worship music and hanging out
at church groups.
When you are a Kingdom individual, you reflect the ways of God
and the image of God. A Kingdom individual has a personal
relationship with God and they operate by faith. Someone who is in the
Kingdom of God prays for the sick and sees them recover. Miracles,
signs, and wonders follows the Kingdom believer. The Kingdom
individual not only carries the name of Christ, but they demonstrate
that God is alive and still at work. A Kingdom man is an unstoppable
force and makes you a better woman as you make him a better man9.
Your future Kingdom spouse knows his purpose and will help you walk
in yours. When you have a Kingdom man at your side, you will not
compromise and you will build together through prayer and establishing
God as the foundation of your relationship.
You
Another unrealistic expectation that I’ve not only witnessed, but
lived, is the expectation of having a perfect relationship without having
personal growth and maturity. I’ve witnessed so many relationships that
have failed, including my own, due to a lack of vision for their personal
life. How is it that we expect people to be perfect, when we never take
the time out to evaluate our own life? A great example of this situation
is in Matthew 7:5, and Jesus says it in a very harsh way, so brace
yourself.
“Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will
see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend's eye”
(Matthew 7:5, NLT).
9
Don’t expect him to offer you something that you don’t have to offer. A relationship
takes two not one.
Ouch! We are considered hypocrites when we look at someone
else’s faults in judgment.
If you do not have your life
aligned with God first, with mature
priorities, your relationship will fail.
This is a sad, yet true fact: most young women and men go into
relationships without standards. If you go up to a young, single
individual between the ages of 13-29, you will find that many will not
have standards and moral value written down in regards to their future
spouse. If you ask a young adult what they look for in a relationship, you
will most likely hear these standards:
1. Someone that is attractive.
2. Someone with money.
3. Someone that will love me for who I am.
4. Someone that knows how to have fun.
5. Someone I can spend time with.
…and the list can go on.
Now, I am not saying that if you have these standards that you are
a failure. I state these examples to challenge you when it comes to your
view of mature, tested through fire relationships.
Imagine this: You just bought a beautiful blue vase to go into your
living room, and you’ve been wanting this vase for six months. As you
go to the store, you pick up the vase you’ve been adoring and you take
it to the cash register. The person at the register tells you that there is a
90 day warranty but you must return it in great condition. As the person
is talking, you tune them out because you are so excited to put it into
your living room – you think to yourself, “why would I want to take
this back to the store?”. In your excitement, the first couple of days, you
take pictures of the addition to your living room. After a couple of
weeks, the excitement goes away so you move on with the cares of life.
The excitement that you had for this vase has become bland and less
exciting. After 2 months, you take out your receipt and you say to
yourself that you are going to take the vase back. As you pick up the
beautiful vase, your hands lose grip, due to the slippery texture, and it
crashes onto the floor.
Your heart skips a couple of beats as you realize that you cannot
take this vase back. Frightened, your mind is saying “I can glue the
pieces back, even though it may not look perfect” . The vase is now
shattered, and each piece looks similar, but they are different and they
will not match with the pieces that you assume are the perfect match.
After days of trying to make the vase perfect, you come up with a
similar visual of what the vase looked like, but it is not the perfect vase
that you fell in love with at first sight. In attempt to believe everything
will be okay, you decide to take it back to the store in hopes of a cash
return – besides, you raised up the money for it. Let’s not forget that
you took the time to work hard for it: you deserve it.
This illustration is a reflection of rushed, immature relationships.
Let me interpret this story for you in terms of relationships.
Sometimes in life, we find that we are attracted to a person and we
want that individual more than anything in the world. You can picture
the person holding your hand, marrying you and eventually sharing a
home to live happily ever after. After spending days, months or
possibly years getting to know this person you finally think that it’s
time to start making a commitment to this person. The first couple of
days, or months, the relationship seems exciting. It seems the interest
in this person simply will not go away. But you realize that as time
passes by, you and/or the person find that there is no longer a spark in
the relationship. Sometimes, you may try to change your outfit, hair or
even your moral values to keep your relationship hot and fresh. In the
process of attempting to change yourself, you are trying to fix the
broken pieces. What you have to realize is that broken pieces that are
put together are not ‘fixed, they are refurbished and still broken. And
unfortunately, people go into relationships broken, and they expect the
other person to fix their broken pieces (emotions and the past). When
you realize, after time, that it’s no longer as great as you thought it
would be, you make the attempt to “take it back” by breaking up with
the person. However, you failed to realize that not only is he broken,
but you yourself are now broken.
So before setting a list of standards that you want for your future
spouse, set a list of moral values for yourself. What are some things that
you desire to accomplish before entering a relationship? Make a list of
good qualities that you have and be descriptive in those qualities to
make you into a better future spouse.
Your Personal Checklist
Having a personal checklist of priorities and goals is an important
thing to do as a single individual. In the check list that I’ve provided, I
am not saying that you will not be successful in a relationship if you do
not have these standards in your life. However, you should have these
things as a foundation if you are seeking to have a successful, Kingdom
relationship.
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A FANTASTIC FOUNDATION:
God is your number one priority.
You consider God in all aspects of your life, including
praying about who is the person meant for you.
You are independent.
You know how to cook, clean, and serve.
You have a consistent job/career.
You are not defined by your past, opinions, or by other
influences.
You are not dependent upon your parents.
You know how to manage money.
You are secure in who you are and your God given
purpose.
I’ve known married couples that did not follow these steps, and
they are happy that they got married without these guidelines. I’m not
saying that they are not Godly, nor successful. If they had this
foundation, they could have avoided a lot of stress and financial
hardship. Embracing the time to enjoy the dating stage would have
given them more time to save money for a home. What I’m trying to
say is this: Don’t rush into marriage. Invest in saving time by getting to
know one another. Invest in personal time for yourself. Travel a little
more, get out a little more. If you don’t know how to cook, learn how
to become the next best chef by watching the Food Network. Clean up
the house and make it sparkle with Mr. Clean products! Invest in getting
closer to God, by becoming totally dependent upon Him. In other
words, make sure that you have things in line before you try to expect
anything from your potential spouse.
When you present yourself on the ‘single and looking’ list, be
sure that you are a Proverbs 31 woman, and not an incomplete
woman in progress.
CHAPTER 5 REVIEW
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Just because you find someone that has qualities in common
with you, doesn’t mean that the person is your significant other.
It is impossible to be satisfied with another individual when
you aren’t satisfied with yourself.
You cannot change a man to be who you want him to be.
Before considering marriage, be sure that he is the right
package.
If you want to know if your potential soul mate wants change,
watch his actions and don’t accept flattering words.
Having sex with someone does not guarantee that the
relationship will last.
Your fight is not against sexual temptation; your fight is
against spiritual beings with the mission to destroy your life
and your future marriage.
Stop asking God for a sign and seek His voice, for yourself, to
find out what you need to.
We must establish a relationship with God if we expect
anything from Him.
Make personal investments before going into marriage.
When you present yourself on the ‘single and looking’ list, be
sure that you are a Proverbs 31 woman, and not an incomplete
woman in progress.