1. Art and Diseño

Excerpt from:
I Once Was a Nice Guy:
The hilarious and psychotic tales about the women of my past
Based on true stories
By: Juddy Ferguson
© 2014, Juddy Ferguson Self publishing
www.juddyferguson.com
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. This book contains material protected
under International and Federal Copyright Laws and Treaties. Any
unauthorized reprint or use of this material is prohibited. No part of this
book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,
electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any
information storage and retrieval system without express written
permission from the author / publisher.
Chapter 13-Fawn „The Wasted Witch‟
One of my good friends Melissa sent me a message on
„Facebook‟ one day. She had known about my continued trouble with
women and just wanted to help. She had a close friend that she thought
would be a perfect match.
She said, “Check her out! She is really cute and a goofball! I
think you two would totally hit it off!”
I’ve heard that tagline about a million times before but it’s
usually just a disaster waiting to happen.
Her name was Fawn
In my preliminary „Facebook‟ stalking, I examined her profile
thoroughly. She had long blonde hair, light skin, green eyes, and long
legs. She towered over her friends in most of her pictures. I was
praying she wasn‟t taller than me.
Giant women are intimidating but doable.
She was a Special Ed schoolteacher and about two years
younger than me. I sent her a friend request to break the social media
ice. We began to „Facebook‟ chat back and forth and eventually
exchanged numbers.
We decided to meet up for dinner at a local Mexican
restaurant. It was a family owned place that was pretty small and not
too far of a drive.
When I arrived I could smell the fresh tortillas and refried
beans in the air. It was a place of carbs, heartburn, and possibly
romance.
I sat down at a booth near the back of the restaurant and
patiently waited. Fawn wasn‟t far behind me. She arrived about ten
minutes later.
She had on a button down white linen shirt, jean shorts, and
sandals. She had her hair down and didn‟t have too much makeup on.
She was naturally beautiful and I was impressed.
I stood up and introduced myself. There was an awkward
moment where I didn‟t know whether to shake her hand or give her a
friendly hug.
I said, “Hello, Fawn. I‟m, Juddy.”
I leaned in to go for the hug and almost tripped over her long
legs. I barreled into her almost knocking her over.
“I‟m so sorry,” I said.
She chuckled, “No problem.”
Off to a great start.
Fawn said, “I love these little places. They always have the
best food.”
I replied, “Oh yes. I think we„re in good hands.”
Fawn was pretty damn funny. She was quick to the draw with
humorous comebacks and jokes.
I told her, “Thanks for joining me tonight. I was anxious to
meet you in person.”
“I don‟t ever pass up a free dinner with complementary
margaritas. Ha-ha. Just kidding,” she replied.
She had an outgoing personality like me. I began to feel more
comfortable at the small table filled with chips and queso.
Having endured many horrible relationships over the years, I
found myself in a different frame of mind that night. As I was gazing at
Fawn, I wasn‟t thinking about if she was girlfriend material, our
possible future together, or even what she looked like naked.
I had only one question on my mind. How would she fuck me
over? It‟s inevitable and always has been for me.
“This is my second celebration today!” Fawn proudly said.
“What was your first?” I asked.
“I sold my condo today and I went to have drinks afterwards.”
“You had drinks with your realtor?”
“No silly. Drinks by myself.”
Oh shit.
Our frozen margaritas showed up quickly to the table. Fawn
grabbed hers and began to suck it down like it was a spring break
contest. I thought that the brain-freeze effect would kick in and
temporarily disengage her tequila slushy guzzling. Apparently she had
built up immunity and finished half of the Mexican goblet in a matter
of seconds.
She said, “That margarita wasn‟t very strong. How is yours?”
I hadn‟t even had time to indulge in mine so I took a sip.
I replied, “It‟s quite strong to me.”
“Oh come on, Grandpa. Suck it up!”
She then ordered a shot of tequila to add to her already booze
filled drink. I had just met this girl so I wasn‟t use to her overall
behavior but something told me that she was about to fly off the handle.
In my experience if it starts with tequila, it will end with
bloodshed.
Fawn poured the shot into her drink and gave it a finger swirl
even though she could have politely used the straw. After she finished
the large bowl of tequila and frozen limejuice, she ordered another one.
“Yes can I get another large margarita with an extra shot of
tequila? Do you want another one, Juddy? Sorry, I‟m just really
thirsty,” she said.
“I‟m ok. I‟m still working on my first one,” I mumbled.
“You drink like a turtle.”
I couldn‟t quite grasp her logic at first. I know turtles are slow
movers but do they also consume liquid at a leisurely pace?
“I guess your implying that I drink slowly?” I asked.
“Yes I am,” she chuckled.
Fawn was beginning to get rather sloppy. Her eyes were shot
to bloody hell, and she had a hard time matching her mouth to the
straw. It was if the straw itself had a mind of its own and it just didn‟t
want to suffer anymore.
Once our fajitas for two arrived, we both started to dig in.
Due to Fawn‟s level of intoxication, she was unable to
construct a complete fajita burrito without making a complete mess.
After many failed attempts, she decided to use the provided utensils to
consume the meal. Her fork was missing her mouth with every other
bite. There were food particles scattered all over the table. It looked
like a bomb had exploded that was packed with beans, rice, and meat.
Fawn even had small pieces of rice stuck in her hair. It was like
watching a small child eat solid food for the very first time.
She slowly gathered all of the food debris like a starving
homeless woman and consumed every last bite. She then set her sights
back on her second margarita which was almost empty.
Fawn asked, “Do you have time for one more drink?”
I said, “Yeah sure, but I would hold off on another extra shot
of tequila. You‟re beating me in this drinking game we have going on
and I need to catch up.”
That was a nice way of me saying slowdown dumbass.
She chuckled, “You‟re funny. I‟m just going to have one more
margarita and one more shot.”
“That is the exact opposite of what I just said.”
“Ha-ha. You‟re silly.”
God, help me.
At this point it started to get awkward. She began to deep
throat her third large margarita. Her laughter was beginning to morph
into something evil. It sounded like the cackling of the witch in the
„Wizard of Oz.‟ She also began to slur her words horrendously.
She asked, “Soooooo what are yooou doing t‟night?”
I confusingly replied, “Well I‟m here with you so that‟s about
it.”
“You‟reeeeee funnyyyyy. HA-HA-HA-HA!”
Her laughter became so loud and horrifying a small child
about two tables down began to cry. Fawn‟s eyes began to roll into the
back of her head. She was barely able to sit up straight and people
began to stare. Her head was tipping in every direction. It almost
looked like I was performing an exorcism. I was quite embarrassed and
just wanted to leave.
However, there was no way I was letting her drive anywhere.
I calmly said, “Fawn I have to use the restroom real quick. I
already paid the bill. I think it‟s best if I drove you home tonight.”
She replied, “I can driiive just fiiiine.”
“I would feel much better if I gave you a ride home.”
“Ugh…Fiiiine whateverrrrr.”
As I walked away, Fawn was falling over the table. It looked
like she was on a ship that was being pummeled by numerous waves.
She was clinging to the table like it was a personal flotation device.
I went into the restroom and contemplated how the hell I was
going to drag her „punch-drunk‟ ass out of there. She was two breaths
away from being unconscious, and I just wanted to get her home safe.
There I am, Mr. Nice Guy, to the fucking rescue once again.
I came back to the table. Fawn was gone and she had left her
purse on her seat.
Where the hell did she go? Maybe she just went to the
bathroom? Why would she leave her purse?
I asked the waitress, “Excuse me did you see where my date
went?”
The waitress said, “Sir, she went out the front door about five
minutes ago.”
Oh shit. This is bad.
I frantically ran outside with Fawn‟s purse in my hand. All of
the sudden a black car emerged from the parking lot. It was Fawn. She
was driving past the front door of the restaurant. I ran out into the street
to try to stop her. As she flew right by me in her Honda Civic, she blew
me a kiss.
What the fuck?
She violently swerved out of parking lot without even
applying the brakes. Fawn‟s car then smashed right into the passenger
side of an oncoming vehicle that was going about thirty miles per hour.
The sound of the metal clashing was extremely loud and engine smoke
began to fill the air from Fawn‟s vehicle.
The employees from the restaurant came outside to see what
happened. Meanwhile, I was staring in shock holding Fawn‟s purse in
my hands. I wanted so badly to drop the purse and bail but I knew I had
to do the right thing.
I immediately ran over to the crime scene to see if everyone
was ok. Fawn‟s airbag had deployed and her front bumper was
demolished. I opened the car door to get her out. Fawn‟s face was
covered in airbag powder. I wiped away most of it and underneath the
white dust she was laughing.
What the fuck is wrong with this woman?
“Fawn, you have been in a car accident. Are you ok?” I asked.
“Yes, dummy. I‟m totally cool,” she chuckled.
I went over to the other vehicle. There was a forty-year-old
man in the driver seat of a Toyota Camry. His passenger side door was
completely caved in.
I asked him. “Are you ok, sir?”
He replied in shock, “Yeah…I‟m fine. Thank you.”
“I‟ll call 911.”
I went back over to Fawn.
I explained, “Fawn, any minute the cops are going to show up.
There is no easy way to say this. You‟re going to be arrested. You must
refuse every test the cops attempt to give you. You will then go to jail
and be released in the morning.”
She then unbuttoned her shirt and exposed her bra, which had
a good built in cleavage support system.
Fawn replied, “What if I just show the cops my tits?”
I replied, “Those are very lovely but they‟re not going to help
you one bit. I need you to find your insurance papers.”
She slowly wobbled over to the passenger side of her car like
a zombie. Her face was still covered in airbag dust. She reached in the
glove box and pulled out a fat stack of coffee stained bound paper. She
then handed it over to me.
I said, “Fawn, this is the owner‟s manual for your car.”
She chuckled, “Whoopsies!”
Jesus Christ.
The cops arrived. They began to question Fawn, the other
driver, and myself. I told them exactly what I saw without revealing
that I was the asshole that fed her three gigantic margaritas, which
prompted the car crash. The cops also spoke to a few of the employees
that confirmed the story of the crazed female on a highway to hell.
Against my recommendation Fawn agreed to perform the field
sobriety tests.
This was going to be a shit show.
The first test the cops were going to administer was the one
legged countdown. Fawn was instructed to stand on one leg and count
from ten down to one.
She hopped up on one leg and began the test. Her body was
swaying back and forth. Her raised leg was flying all over the place,
and she was fighting for her life to stay balanced. It was like watching a
drunken acrobat.
She began to count off but was going the wrong direction.
“10-11-12-13-14-15,” she sounded off.
Swing and a miss.
The next one up was the finger to nose test. She was instructed
to stand up straight and count from one to ten. As she counted each
number, she had to switch arms and touch the tip of her nose. She
failed to touch her nose once. Instead, her finger would either land on
her chin or her forehead. Also, rather than stopping at ten, she kept
going all the way up to twenty until the cop stopped her.
Another crash and burn.
The final test was the pen test. She was instructed to follow
the pen from left to right with her eyes while keeping her head still. She
followed the pen with her head the entire time. Never once did she use
her eyes to successfully complete the test. She looked like an android
that was malfunctioning.
Fawn was then put in handcuffs and arrested. Before they
hauled her away, I went over to the cops to give them Fawn‟s purse
which had all of her belongings in it. As I was handing over the bag
there was a side pouch that had come open. A few things tumbled out
of it during the transfer of goods. Among the objects that fell to the
ground were two empty mini bottles of white wine, which I‟m guessing
Fawn drank before dinner.
The hits just kept coming.
Both of the cars were towed away, Fawn headed to the
slammer, and I went home. The whole way home I felt a bit responsible
for letting Fawn get way too drunk. I had no clue how many drinks she
had consumed before she met up with me. At the same time she was a
grown woman but something told me she was a frequent heavy drinker.
I don’t know…call it a hunch.
When I got home I fell asleep with a sense of guilt on my
mind. There was really nothing I could do now except wait for a phone
call.
The next morning at six in the morning, I was awoken by one
of the strangest phone calls of my life.
It was an unknown number so at first I thought it was Fawn
calling from jail. I answered the phone.
“Hello?” I said.
“Yes, Juddy. This is, Vikki Mullins, Fawn‟s mother. I know
this is quite awkward but Fawn said that she was going to be staying
the night with you last night. I just wanted to make sure she made it to
work on time this morning.”
Oh man. She has no idea. Well I’m about to turn her shit
upside down.
I replied, “Fawn won‟t be able to make it to work today Mrs.
Thompson. She‟s safe, but she‟s in jail. She was involved in car
accident but everyone was ok. Unfortunately, Fawn was arrested for
driving while intoxicated. I‟m so sorry.”
She chuckled, “Well that doesn‟t surprise me. It was bound to
happen sooner or later.”
What the hell is wrong with these people?
I gave her all the details and told her to call me if she needed
any help getting her daughter released.
I never heard from Fawn again.