1. Educación

ABOUTTHEBOOK
Breakfastlavishly,pre-bookallyourholidaysyearsinadvance,dresssensiblyandobeythe
redman!HowtobeGermanpresentsallthelittleabsurditiesthatmakelivinginGermany
suchapleasure.It’srequiredreadingforallAusländerandforGermanswhosometimeshave
thefeelingtheydon’tunderstandtheirowncountry.WelearnwhytheGermansspeakso
freelyaboutsex,whytheyaresoobsessedwithSpiegelOnlineandwhytheyalldreamof
beingnakedinalakeofApfelsaftschorle.Attheend,theonlythinglefttosaytoAdam
Fletcher’slovelettertoGermanyis‚Allesklar!’
Thise-bookisalsoavailableinGerman:WiemanDeutscherwirdin50einfachenSchritten.Eine
AnleitungvonApfelsaftschorlebisTschüss.Theprintededitionhasbeenpublishedasabilingual
turn-aroundbook.
ABOUTTHEAUTHOR
AdamFletcherisathirty-year-old,baldEnglishmanlivinginBerlin.Whennotwritingbooks
andarticles,hemostlyspendshisdaysdreamingupawholerangeoflargelyunsuccessful
productsforhisbusinessTheHipstery,eatingchocolateandnapping.Hededicatesthisbook
tohisOssigirlfriendAnnett,sinceshedroppedabout18,000hintsthatheshoulddosoand
he’dreallyjustlikealittlepeaceandquietnow.HowtobeGermanstarteditslifeasanonline
blogseries,whichmuchtoAdam’ssurprisehasbeenreadmorethanonemilliontimes,
generatingthousandsofcomments,bothsayinghowrightandhowwronghewas(this
directlyresultedintheadditionofStep29:Klugscheißen).Adamhaswrittenaboutthirty
newsteps,expandedsomeoldones,hadeverythingnicelyillustratedandtheresultisthis
book.FindoutmoreaboutAdamandhowyoucanalsocontacthimtotellhimhow
right/wrongheisathttp://hipstery.com.
ABOUTTHEILLUSTRATOR
RobertM.SchöneisaGermanfreelancegraphicdesignerandhermit.Formerlyamayoral
candidateforthecityofPirna,henowmostlyspendshistimecollectingobscurefontsand
dolphin-themedclipart.Hehassuccessfullycompleted37ofHowtobeGerman’s50steps,but
flatoutrefusestowaitattheredAmpelmännchenorgeta‘real’job.
INTRODUCTION
‹WouldyouliketomovetoLeipzig?›
‹Idon’tknowwhereitis,›Isaid.
‹It’sinEastGermany.›
‹Oh.Err.Yeah,whynot.›
ThiswastheconversationthatresultedinmemovingtoGermany.Iwasstandingina
bedroomofmyparents’houseinCambridge,England.Talkingonthephonetotheperson
who’dbecomemyboss.Itwastheunusuallywarmsummerof2007.I’dfinisheduniversity
justafewweeksbefore,andhadalreadyfoundaverynicejob,whichwouldmeanIcould
livewithmyparentsandclearsomeuniversitydebt.Whichmayhavesoundedverysensible
intheory,butwasnotworkingoutsowell.Afterjusttwoweeksofhavingmywashingdone
andmymealscookedforme,Iwasalreadygoingstir-crazy.Probably,evenifthevoiceatthe
otherendofthephonehadsaid,‹LeipzigisanicycaveinSiberia,thereisnoWiFi,›Iwould
havestillanswered,‹Oh.Err.Yeah,whynot.›
IalwaysknewI’dmoveabroad.IneverfeltquiteathomeinEngland.Aplacewhereyou
havetoapologiseforbeinginterestedinthingsthataren’tfootball-shapedorservedinpint
glasses.Aplacethatexcelsinsmalltalk.AplacewhereI’dalwaysfoundithardtomakegood
friends.I’msurethat’snoteveryone’sexperience,butitwasmine.SoIknewI’dleave,butI
neverguesseditwouldbetoGermany.Thecountrywasneverreallyonmyradar.Iknew
roughlywhereitwas,geographicallyspeaking.We’devenlearntalittlebitaboutitatschool.
Aneducationofitthatstartedin1918andendedin1945.EvenwhenI’dbackpacked
throughEuropetheprevioussummer,visitingsevenoreightcountriessurroundingit,Inever
evenconsideredgoingtoit.LikeIsaid,itwasjustneverreallyonmyradar.
Until,onabitofawhim,asaresultofthatphonecallandarmedwithlittlemorethanmy
ownignorance,Imovedthere.Itwasgreat.Itwasjustsogreat.MyfirstyearinGermany
was,withoutdoubt,themostenjoyableofmylife.Farmorewarmth,hospitalityandgood
humourwasshowntomebythekindGermanswhoadoptedmethanIeverdeserved.Some
sixyearslater,I’mstillproudtocallmanyofthemmyfriends.FirstLeipzigandthenBerlin
aretheonlytwoplacesI’veeverlovedlivinginenoughtocallthemaclichédlittlewordlike
home.ItwouldbeeasytodismissthisbookasjustsomestupidAusländermakingfunof
Germanstereotypes.Ihopeitdoesn’tcomeacrossthatway.IhopemyaffectionforGerman
peopleandcultureshinesthroughanymockeryorjest.Thattheweightofthepunchlinesis
distributedfairlyacrossmyself,theEnglishandfinally,whereappropriate,Germanculture.
Thiscountryhassomuchgoingforitandsomuchtobeproudof.Yetparadoxically,
patriotismofanykindistaboo.
Well,ifyou’renotallowedtodoit,I’lldoitforyou.I’mproudtobeanhonoraryGerman.
Ifyouwanttobeone,too,thefiftyshortstepsinthisguidemightjusthelpyou.Let’sbegin
…
1.PUTONYOURHOUSESHOES
So,herewearethen,mylittleAusländer.YourfirstdayasanaspiringGerman.You’llhave
wokenupinyourbed,whereyouwerenestledsafelyinafirm,practicalmattress.Now,
you’llneedtocarefullymakeupyourhalfofthebed.Youshouldbesleepinginadoublebed
madeupoftwosinglemattressesandtwosingleduvets;whatitlacksinnocturnalromance,
itmorethanmakesupforinpracticality,themostprizedofGermanpossessions.
Now,careful!Don’tstepofftheBettvorlegeryet,thereisaveryhighchancethatthefloors
willbeeversoslightlycolderthanyouwouldexpect!Socoldthatyoumightgointosome
kindofmorningshock.That’swhyyouneedhouseshoes!Theyarestaunchrequirementsof
Germanism.
IwouldliketobeabletotellyouwhyGermansaresoinlovewiththeirhouseshoes.I’ve
askedseveralbutstillhavenodefinitiveanswer.Notbecausethey’venottoldme,but
becausetheanswerissoincrediblyunromantic,sensible,practicalandboringthatmyhappy
littlebarefootbrainhasnoideawheretostoreinformationofthatnatureandsojustgivesup
committingittomemory.
2.EATALONGBREAKFAST
ComingfromEngland,Iwasverysurprisedtoseehowimportantthekitchenistothe
Germanpeople.TheEnglishtendtotreatitpurelyasaroomoffunction,likethetoilet,only
withafridge.Yougetin,dowhatyou’vegottodo,getout.Thelivingroomistheheartof
thehome.
FortheGermans,it’sadifferentstory.Theyarehappiestspendingthemosttimeintheir
kitchens.It’sthemostpracticalroominthehouse.Youhaveatable,water,coffee,food,
radio,andserious,posture-encouragingseating.They’vecorrectlyrealisedthatiftroubledoes
comecalling,they’llbebestpreparedforitbyholingupintheirkitchens.
Germanbreakfastsarenotmealsbutelaboratefeasts.Ifit’saweekend,everysquareinch
ofthetablewillbesmotheredinanassortmentofmeats,cheeses,fruits,jams,spreadsand
othercondiments.It’lllooklikesomeonebrokeinand,whilehuntingforvaluables,just
tippedthecontentsofallthecupboardsontothetable.
ThefirsttimeIexperiencedbreakfastinaGermanWGitlastedsolongthatIdriftedoff
intoasortofbreakfastcoma,andtheyhadtowakemewithsomeEszet,whichisasortof
chocolatestripyouputonbread.Ididn’tknowyoucouldlegallycombinechocolateand
bread.Itwasquitearevelation.NowIjusteatEszetwitheverything,andslowlyI’velearntto
eatmore,andalsoslower,duringthelong,drawn-outGermanbreakfasts.
TheworstgameshowI’veeverseenwasanEnglishonecalledTouchtheTruck.Itspremise,
ifIcanbesogenerousastocallitthat,wasthatlotsofpeopletouchatruckwhilethe
audiencewaitandwatch,andthenthelastpersontoletgoofthetruckwinsthetruck.It
sometimesfeelslikeGermanbreakfastsworkonasimilarpremise,exceptthetruckis
breakfastandtheprizeis,well,actually,I’mnotentirelysurewhattheprizeis…havingthe
minimumpossibletimeuntillunch,maybe?
3.PLANNING,PREPARATION&PROCESS
Sofar,sogood.Lookatyou,you’reupearly,you’vegotyourradioon,nodoubtsome
DepecheModeisblastingoutandyou’reeatingaslowandponderousGermanbreakfast.
You’reacclimatisingverywell,youngAusländer.
NowyouneedtoentertheheadspaceoftheGermans.Ifyouwanttobeone,youneedto
thinklikeone,whichisabigtaskandwe’llcoveritinmoredetailinlatersteps.But,fornow,
startacceptingthethreecentraltenetsofGermanism.ThethreeP’s.Planning,Preparation,
Process.
BeingagoodGermanisaboutunderstandingtherisks,insuringforwhatcanbeinsured,
preparingforwhatcannot.Youareyourownlife’sprojectmanager.Planandprepare.Make
spreadsheets,chartsandlists.Thinkaboutwhatyou’redoingeachdayandhowyoucan
makeitmoreefficient.
Isitpossibleyouarrangeyourshoestoragesothatthemostuseditemsarenearertothe
top,reducingbendingtime?Idon’tcareifyou’reseventeen,it’stakingyounearlyafull
minutetogetyourshoeson,buyashoehorn!Optimiseyourprocesses!
Justbecausetheycallitspontaneity,doesn’tmeanitcan’tbescheduled.There’satimeand
placeforfun,andit’stobepre-decidedandmarkedinthecalendar.Allelseisfrivolous
chaos.Sositdownnowandmakeaplanfortheday,thentheweek,thenthemonth.Then
bookyourholidaysuntil2017.Tomakeiteasier,justgotothesameplace.Howabout
Mallorca?AlltheotherGermansgothere.Mustbesomethingtoit.
4.GETSOMEINSURANCES
Everyoneknowsit’sajungleoutthere.Hencewhywecreatedthephrase.So,plucky
Ausländer,beforeyougooutintothatjungleandstartswingingfromitshigherbranches,it’s
wiseyoubesensiblyinsured.Ofcourse,Germans,beingimaginativepeople,ranalittlewild
withtheconceptof‹sensiblyinsured.›
Don’tbesurprisediftheGermansyoumeetallhavepersonalinsuranceadvisors.My
girlfriendcommunicateswithherinsuranceadvisormoreoftenthanIdowithmyown
mother.Ifsomeoneinventedinsuranceinsurance–aninsuranceagainstnothavingtheright
insurance–we’dallbetreatedtothesightof80millionpeopledyingofhappiness.
5.DRESSSERIOUSLY
Planmadefortheday?Insurancesinplace?Great.Goodwork!Nowit’stimetochangeoutof
yourSchlumperklamottenandheadoutsidetofacethedayheadon.You’regoingtoneedto
getappropriatelydressed.
*WARNING!AUSLÄNDER!WARNING!*Outsideisthisthingcallednature.Natureisfickle
andnottobetrusted!Itdancestoitsownillogical,changeabletune.Bestdressonthesafe
side.Youneed–expensiveoutdoorclothing!Afterall,you’regoingoutdoors,andit’scalled
outdoorclothing,thereforeitmustbenecessary.
Atalltimes,youshouldbedressedforaminimumofthreeseasons.Getsomeofthose
funkyJackWolfskinshrousers:thetrousersthatzipoffintoshorts.Ifthereiseventhe
slightestpossibilityyoumayatsomepointleaveapavement,besureyouarewearinghighqualityhikingboots.TheGermansconsideranythingelseanactofanklesuicide.
6.SPEAKGERMAN
Everynationhasdonethingsitshouldbeembarrassedabout.Darkactsinitshistory.The
Germansarenoexception.YouknowofwhatItalk–theGermanlanguage.Deutschismostly
anincomprehensiblejumbleofexceptions.Adungeondesignedtotrapforeignersandhold
themhostage,repeatedlyfloggingthemwithimpenetrableandlargelyuselessgrammatical
devices,whoseonlymeritistostateinvery,veryexplicitdetailwhohaswhatandwhatis
beingdonetowhom,bywhom.
ThebadnewsisthatforyoutofullyblendwiththeGermans,you’llneedtolearntheir
language.Inprinciple,it’snotthathard.Itworksintwostages:learningvocabularyand
learninggrammar.Learningvocabularyisfun.MostwordsareevensimilartoEnglishthanks
tooursharedancestry,soyou’llzipalongforawhilemakinggreatprogressandreally
enjoyingwrappingyourtonguearoundsuchdelightsasSchwangerschaftsverhütungsmittel,
Haarschmuckfachgeschäft,MuckefuckandStreicheleinheiten.
Then,confidentatallthelittlesnippetsyou’vealreadyaccumulated,you’llstartlearning
thegrammar,theputtythatbuildsyourmutteringsintoreal,coherentGermansentences.
Thisiswhereyou’llstarttofeelcheated.Germangrammarisnonsense.
English,atleastlinguistically,hasalwaysbeenthebiggestslutintheroom.Givingand
takingfromotherlanguages.Ittrieshardtomakeyoulikeit.Itkeepsitselfsimple.Mypet
theoryisthattheGermans,despitetheircommittedefforts,werenotassuccessfulasthe
Englishintheirworldpowerplays.So,unlikeGerman,theEnglishlanguagehasbeenforced,
historically,tobridgetheculturalandlinguisticdividesthatlaybetweenusandthecountries
wewereconquering(sorry,colonising).Overtime,we’vehadtosmoothdowntherougher
edgesofEnglish,whichisapoeticwayofsayingkickedoutallthehardbits.
EnglishhasbeenforcedtoevolveinawaythatGermanhasnot.WhichiswhyGermanhas
retainedthegrammaticalcomplexityofOldEnglish,whileEnglishgotbusydumbingitself
downforthemasses.
Takegendersasanexample.PresentinOldEnglish,butlongsinceremovedtoeveryone’s
relief.Sadly,stillstubbornlypresentinGermanintheformofder,dieanddas,yetthey’re
assignedutterlyarbitrarily.Sure,therearesomesortofvagueguidelinesabouthowword
endingscansuggestthegender,andsomegroupings,e.g.alldaysoftheweekandallmonths
areder.That’llhelpyouwithmaybe30%ofnouns.Thisstillleaves70%thatyou’llhaveto
learnbyheartsoyoucandeclinecorrectly.Youcanalsodeclinetolearnthemifyoulike.See
whatIdidthere?Oh,howIamusemyself.Anyway…
You’llwastemuchtimememorisinggenders(PROTIP:neverlearnanounwithoutits
article,goingbacklaterandaddingtheminisverytime-consumingandinefficient).Yet,
withoutknowingthegenderofthenouns,youcan’taccuratelydeclinetheendingsofthe
sentences’nounsandadjectives.Whichisutterlypointlessanywayanddoesnexttonothing
toincreasecomprehension.Withoutit,though,you’llsayveryembarrassingthingslike‹einer
großerWasser,›insteadof‹eingroßesWasser.›Iknow.Cringeworthy.
OfcoursetherearefarharderlanguagestolearnthanGerman.That’snotmypoint.English
alsohasitsstupidities,likeitsstaunchcommitmenttounphoneticism.Thedifferenceisthat
Englishiskindenoughtobeeasyinthebeginning,thenitrampsupslowlyand
encouragingly,withminimalgrammar.Germanjustplonksyoudowninfrontofasteep
mountain,says‹VielSpaß,›andwalksoffasyoubeginyourslow,painfulascent.
WhenIfirststartedlearningthelanguage,whichmostlyconsistedofmegettingnowhere
andjustsittingaroundbitchingaboutit,Iwasgentlyremindedbyafriendthatsomeofthe
smartestthingseverwrittenwereauthoredinthislanguage.Firstyouneedonlytorespectit,
lateryoucanlearntolikeit.
7.OUTGESOURCED,DOWNGELOADED&UPGEGRADED
It’sthe15thcentury,andRussiaisoccupiedbytheMongols.Apeasantandhiswifeareout
walkingalongadustyroad.AMongolwarrioronahorsepullsupalongsidethemandtells
theRussianpeasanthewillnowhavesexwiththeRussian’swife,whileheisforcedtowatch.
But,sincethereisalotofdustontheground,theMongoltellstheRussianthathemusthold
hisballsthroughoutsothattheydonotgetdirty.OncetheMongolwarriorhasfinished,he
returnstohishorseandridesaway.TheRussianman’swifeisunderstandablydistraught.She
sitsweeping,whiletheRussianpeasantstartslaughingandjumpingaroundwithjoy.His
surprisedwifeasks,‹Howcanyoubejumpingwithjoyafterwhatjusthappened?›The
peasantanswers‹Oh,butitisIwhohadthelastlaugh,forhisballsarenowcoveredindust!›
IthinkofthisparablewhenIhearGermansusewordslikeupgraden,getoastet,outgesourced
anddowngeloaded.MostGermansIknowarefiercelyprotectiveoftheGermanlanguage.Asif
itwereaflightlessbirdlefttoflounderamongstapackoflinguisticlionsorafragileeggthat
mustbecarefullyprotectedfromtheonslaughtofspatula-shapedAnglicisms.Thekindof
Anglicismsusedbylazymarketerswhowanttomaketheirslogansandmarketingspielthat
bitmoreexoticbypepperinginsomefunny,foreign,mostlyEnglishjargon.Ithinkthisfearis
ajustifiedone.Languageshavealwaysborrowedfromeachother,butinfutureEnglish,like
aparticularlyenthusiasticteamplayer,willgivemanymorewordstootherlanguagesthanit
takesfromthem,duetoitspositionasthelinguafranca.
But,mydearbelovedGermans,whenIcatchyouusingwordslikeoutgesourcedor
downgeloaded,myheartsinks.NotonlyareyouusingtheexactEnglishwordandspelling
whenyouhaveperfectlygoodGermanequivalents,butyou’reevengoingtothelengthof
addingtheEnglishgrammaticalaffix-edtochangethetense,whichisnotpartoftheGerman
language.Sonowwe’vegotanEnglishword,Englishspelling,Englishgrammar,butthen,
likeanawkwardfinalactoflanguagepatriotism,you’veslappedthetotallyunnecessary
Germange-prefixintothemiddle.
Atthesetimes,I’mremindedofthatRussian,celebratingthesmallestofvictoriesinthe
faceofanalreadylostwar.‹Oh,butitistheGermanlanguagethat’shadthelastlaugh,forit
hasgotage-inthemiddle!›
8.OBEYTHEREDMAN
IthinktheoftenexaggeratedstereotypethatGermanslovetofollowtherulesallcomesdown
toone,little,illuminatedredman.GuardianandGodofthecrossingpedestrian.Todare
challengehisauthorityandstepgingerlyoutintoacompletelyemptyroadwhenheisstill
redistotakeagreatpersonalrisk.
Notofgettingrunover,ofcourse.Theroadiscompletelyemptyafterall.Barbeingstruck
byaninvisiblecar,you’resafe.No,whatyoureallyriskisthescorn,thetuttingandthe
shoutsof‹Halt!›fromnearbyGermans.Whowillnowconsideryouanirresponsible,possibly
suicidal,socialrenegade.
HALT!AwaitthegreenAmpelmännchen.Consideritanelaborateexerciseinself-control.
You’llneedallthatself-controlnottofreakoutandstartshootingthefirsttimeyouvisitthe
Ausländerbehördeandfindouttheydon’tspeakEnglish.
9.DRINKAPFELSAFTSCHORLE
So,mymostexcellent,fearlessAusländer,it’sbeenatoughmorning,right?Yourcommitment
toassimilationthrillsme.Let’stakealittlebreak.Thirsty?Iknowjustthedrink…
Firstly,youmustknow,Germansfearanybeveragethatdoesn’tfizz.Itbringsthemoutina
coldsweat.It’sagreatcomedicjoytowatchtouristsandforeignersinGermanybuyingwater
labelled‹classic›,thinkingthatsince‹classic›water–thekindthathasfallenfromthesky
sincethedawnoftime–hasalwaysbeenstill,uncarbonatedwater,itmustbethesamehere,
right?
No!Millionsofyearsofwaterhistoryhavebeenconvenientlyforgotten.‹Classic›means
carbonated,ofcourse.Youbigsilly.Learntolikeit.Ifnot,whenvisitingthehomesofyour
newGermanfriends,you’llrequesttapwaterandthey’lllookatyoulikeyouaresome
primitivesavagetheyjustfoundinthewoodscoveredinablanketofyourownhair.
RelatedtothisisApfelsaftschorle.Youknowthesceneinmovieswhenpeoplegoto
therapyandthenthetherapistasksthemtocreateahappyplace?Asafe,tranquilspotthey
canturntowhentheworldgetstoobigandscary?Usuallyit’sabeach,orarockingchairon
thefrontporchofanidyllicchildhoodhome,orsomething.
ForGermans,thathappyplaceisalakeofApfelsaftschorlewheretheycanswimnaked.
Tiredafteralongdayofstampingandformfilling,confrontedwithafifteen-pagelong
restaurantmenu,baffledbytheburdensofchoice,theyalwaysretreattotheirhappyplace
andorderApfelsaftschorle.It’ssteady.It’sreliable.It’sasclassicasfizzywater.
Formorethanacentury,Germansweresmugwiththeirdiscoveryoffizzywaterandtheir
abundantbreweriesproducingfinebeersandales.Theydidn’tbelieveitcouldgetanybetter.
Thensomebrightsparktriedaddingalittleapplejuicetothatfizzywater,creating
somethingthatwasequallyrefreshing,yet6%morefun!Itwasanearriot.
Peoplewerenotready.Itwasalmosttoofun.Anall-nightdiscopartyforthetastebuds.Of
course,itwon’ttastelikethattoyou,withyourfunnyforeignpalate.Apfelsaftschorlewill
tastetoyouasitreallyis–afractionalimprovementonfizzywater’sboringtaste.
10.DRINKMIXEDBEVERAGES
BuoyedbythegreatsuccessofApfelsaftschorle,anearuniversal–sorry,mymistake–
exclusivelydomestichit,theGermanshavecontinuedmixingdrinkswithgreataplomb.
EverydayitmustbeaFestsomewhere,right?It’dbeonlypolitetomakeapunch,justin
case.WholebananaswereevenputdirectlyintobeerbySouthernGermanBiermischgetränke
radicals.Somethoughtthatwastooextreme.Thatalineofsanity,drawnlongago,hadnow
beencrossed.ButtheGermanswerenotdone.Theywerejustgettingstarted,infact.
Everyone’sfavouritesugaryblackporridge,Coke,wouldnotbeexempt.Peoplesaidyou
couldn’tmixsomethingasstrongandsweetasCokewithsomethingasstrongandsweetas
Fanta.It’llbeamini-Hiroshimaforthemouth.There’llberiotsinthesupermarket.It’llbe
madness.
No,theGermansreplied,it’llbeSpezi.
11.EATGERMANFOOD
IsthatthedistantrumbleofyourstomachIhear?Worrynot,mymostfavouriteofforeign
friends,inthissectionwe’lllook–withalltheenthusiasmIcanmuster–atthecuisineofthis
fine,fastidiousnation…
It’shardtodiscussGermancuisinewithoutmentioningWurst,atwhichpointyou’llfeel
likeI’msmackingyouabouttheheadwiththestereotypestick.SoIwon’t.Wurstis
important,butIthinkmoreforwhatitrepresentsthanhowittastes.Wurstisterriblyboring.
Foracountrytohaveelevateditsohighlyshowsastartlinglackofimagination.Which,once
you’veexperiencedevenmoreoftheGermancuisine,you’llhavenoprobleminaccepting.
Here,meatisthelinchpinofmostmeals.Beingavegetarianhereisprobablyaboutas
muchfunasbeingblindatthezoo.TheonlynotabletimeofyearisSpargel-Saison,where
thecountrygoesgagaasthealmightySpargeliswavedaroundeverywhere,likeasortof
culinarymagicwand,whichcoincidentallyitdoesratherresemble.
Inconclusion,GermancuisineistotheworldoffoodwhatthebandEiffel65istothe
historyofpopularmusic:present,butlargelyafootnote.
12.KNOWYOURPOTATOES
AnyonewhosaystheGermanslackimaginationiswrong.They’vejustconcentrateditinvery
specificareas,likeoutdoorclothing,bureaucracy,sentence-stranglingcompoundwords,
mixedsoftdrinksand,perhapsmostimpressively,formsofpotato.Inmostcountries,potatoes
comeinthefollowingbasicforms:mashed,baked,boiled,friedand,thatficklemodern
wonder,wedged.Oh,amateurs.Youcandosomuchmorewiththepotato,asillustratedby
theGermans,who’vedoneeverythingpossibletothepotato,andpossiblyoneortwothings
more.
TobeGerman,youmustmemoriseandregularlycookatleasttwelvedifferenttypesof
potato.Here,thissimplelittlevegetableadoptssomanyforms,it’sbecomeakindofadinner
platechameleon,effortlesslycamouflagingintothespacesleftinanyGericht.
HereisanotexhaustivelistofGermanpotatotypes:Salzkartoffeln,Bratkartoffeln,
Kartoffelbrei,Kartoffelpuffer,Kartoffelklöße/-knödel,Kartoffelauflauf/-gratin,Kartoffelsalat,
Kartoffelsuppe,Rösti,Ofenkartoffeln,Kroketten,Stampfkartoffeln,Kartoffelecken,
Pellkartoffeln,Pommesfrites,Petersilienkartoffeln,Rosmarinkartoffeln.
Thelistgoeson,butI’mhungrynowandthere’sSchupfnudelninthefridge.Thereshould
besomeinyours,too.Offyougo…
13.THEANSWERISTOBRINGKARTOFFELSALAT
YouareprobablyawareoftheeminentRussianphysiologistIvanPavlovandhisworkonthe
conditioningofdogs,whohetrainedtosalivateondemandbyhisringingasmallbell.After
findingdogstooeasyandmalleabletohiswhim,hesetouttolookforatougherchallenge,
onethathasuntilnowreceivedlessattention.Discardingthebellandkeentoworkwith
peoplethistime,hedevisedanotheringeniousexperimentinconditioning,onlythistimeon
theentirenationofGermany.Hisgoal:whenanyonesaidtoaGerman,‹You’reinvitedtoa
party,›or‹Let’shaveaBBQ›,everyGermanwouldinstinctivelythink,‹I’llmakea
Kartoffelsalat!›Needlesstosay,ifyou’vebeentosuchaneventandseensevenstacked
TupperwaretubsofKartoffelsalatandnotallthatmuchelse,you’llalreadyknowthathis
experimentwasaperfectsuccess.
14.EATGERMANBREAD
AnyonewhodoubtshowseriouslyGermanstaketheirbreadiseitherafool,me,orboth,like
me.ForwhenIfirstpostedsomeofthesestepsonline,IneglectedtomentionGermanbread
anywhere.It’spossibleGermanscanalsoinsertyeastintoemails,becausealltheseangryones
keptrisingtothetopofmyinbox.
Germansareseriousabouttheirbread.Thisisreflectedintheirbread,whichisserious.As
opposedtothatfluffywhiteEnglishnonsense,whichtheyseeasanunforgivablewasteof
yeast.Achild’sfingerpaintingmasqueradingashighart.It’struethatEnglishbreadisofthe
softandcuddlypersuasion.SometimesI’mnotsurewhethertomakeasandwichwithitor
justsortofclimbinandhavealittlenap.It’sabouncycastleforthetastebuds.Icanseehow
youwouldn’tlikethat.Frivolous.Incomparison,uponseeingGermanbread,Ihavetheurge
tothumpmychestandshout‹Jawohl.›Itpacksquitethevisualpunch.Importantisthe
weight(ideallymorethananaveragenewbornbaby),thecolour(richanddark,like,err,um
…swampmud)andthetexture(slightlydampconcrete).Ifdropped,thereisanexpectation
thatitshouldshatterintoathousandpieces.Thegoodnewsisthatit’sverynutritiousand
filling.Thebadnewsis,well,ittasteslikeGermanbread.
15.‹MAHLZEIT!›
Germanhasareputationforbeingano-nonsense,literallanguage.Whetherforitsnouns,like
namingthenipplethethoroughlyunromanticBrustwarze(‹breastwart›)ortherathertoo
literalAntibabypille,orinitsexpressions,whensometimesitsoundslikeyouaredescribing
notyourmood,butthemechanicsofaninvisiblecar:‹Esläuft›(‹itruns›),‹Esgeht›(‹itgoes›),
‹Espasst›(‹itfits›),‹AllesinOrdnung›(‹everything’sinorder›).
Thosearegoodforastart,Ausländer,buttobetrulyGerman,youhavetousethemost
literalandconfusinggreetingofall–‹Mahlzeit!›Youcouldtranslate‹Mahlzeit››asadish›,or
moreliterallyjustas‹mealtime.›WhenIfirstarrivedinGermanyandhadlunchinthe
Kantine,seatedandeatingmymeal,colleagueswouldarriveandthen‹Mahlzeit›me.
Mahlzeit?Mahlzeit?Mealtime?Well,ofcourse!Youcanseemeeating.I’mliterallyrightnow
eatingmypotatosalad.I’mchewingitaswespeak!Iknowit’salittleearly,butImissed
breakfast.Don’tjudgeme!
Onlythenyourealiseit’snotaquestion.It’saredundantstatementdressedupawkwardly,
likeakidinitsparents’clothes,paradingaroundasagreeting.Sointheinterestsof
assimilationyoustartusingit.Itsoundsstrangeatfirst,butit’sactuallyquitefun,andthen
youlearnthatinmanypartsofGermanyyoucanuseitanytimethatyoulike!Youcancall
peopleupat4a.m.,whenyouknowtheyaresleeping,andwishthemmealtime.Genius.But
thenthenoveltywearsoffandleavesyouwantingmore.Youwonderwhyyoucan’tadd-zeit
tootheractivitiesandusethoseasasalutation,beyondjusteating.ButGermanliteralism
startsandstopswhenitfeelslikeit.GlovesareHandschuhe(‹handshoes›),butahatisnota
Kopfschuh(‹headshoe›).Seesomeonedrinking?Youcan’twishthem‹Trinkzeit›.Neighbours
arehavingsexloudlyagain?It’snotacceptabletoringtheirdoorbellandgreetthemwitha
hearty‹Fickzeit!›Just‹Mahlzeit,›alright.Gotit?
16.HATETHEGEZ&GEMA
Full?OrastheGermanswouldsay,satt?Excellent,sothen,myfresh-off-the-Bahnfriend,let’s
leavefoodbehindandlookatsomeoftheattitudesandspecialtalentsyou’llneedtodevelop
tobecomeatrueGerman.
SupermanhasLexLuther,LukeSkywalkerhasDarthVader,BatmanhastheJoker,and
historyislitteredwiththeiconicrivalriesofgoodandevil.Germansarenodifferent.They’re
engaginginalongdrawn-outbattlewiththeirownarchnemeses–theGEZ&GEMA.Known
collectivelyastheSpaßpolizei.Okay,Imadethatup,buttheyshouldbeknowncollectivelyas
theSpaßpolizei.GEZisTVandradio,GEMAismusiccopyright.They’reresponsiblefor
collectingthelicensefeesanddistributingthemfairlyamongstthepublicTVchannelsand
musicartists.I’msuretheystartedasnobleworthwhilecauses,butthen,likeallbadguys,
theyswitched.Gettingdrunkontheirpowerandcrossingtothedarkside,becomingagiant,
monopolisticpaininthecollectiveGermanass.
Youdon’tneedtodiscusswithyourGermanfriendstheiropinionsoneithertheGEMAor
theGEZ.I’llsaveyouthetime–theyhatethem.Theyimaginethemascaped,campvillains,
climbingdownthroughtheskylightsoftheBerghaintobreakupanotherTechnoparty.
‹Everyonehavingfun,arethey?Lookslikeyou’reallhavingfun!Who’spayingforthisfun,
then?Exactly!Thieves!›Atwhichpointthereisanelaborate,evillaugh,thestereois
unplugged,andthelightsareswitchedon.Partygoers’fistsarecollectivelyraisedandshaken.
‹Damnyou,GEMA!!›
ThebattleagainsttheGEZ(they’venowchangedtheirnametoBeitragsservice)isover.In
caseyoumissedit,Germanylost.From2013everyhouseholdnowpaysanon-negotiable
monthlyfeetothem.Theonlygoodpartofthatisnowthecatandmousegameofthe
GEZtapoknockingonourdoortoprovewehaveaTVorradiocanstop.Mygirlfriendhasa
deep,deepparanoiaabouttheGEZstretchingbacktoherstudentdays.Afterwe’dfirstmet
andIbeganstayingover,shesatmedowntoexplainmyexplicitlegalrights,shouldIanswer
herdoorandit’saGEZagentstandingthere.JustincaseIforgot,anytimethedoorbellrang
she’dshout,‹Careful,itcouldbetheGEZ!›AfterIhadfoundedacompanyhere,theykept
sendingmeletters.EventuallyIrelentedandstartedpayingthemviabanktransfer.Ididn’t
daretellmygirlfriend,however,sinceherhatredforthemrunssodeepshewouldbehappier
tohearthatIremove€17.98frommywalleteachmonthandsetitonfirethangiveittothe
GEZ.
17.LEARNHOWTOOPENABEERBOTTLEWITHANYTHING
BUTABOTTLEOPENER
Thebottleopenerhasexistedinvariousformatssinceabout1738.Theonlylogicalreason
whyGermanscanopenbottleswithjustaboutanything,exceptbottleopeners,mustbethat
bottleopenersdidn’tarrivehereuntil2011.Sincethenthey’vebeenviewedwithsuspicion
andanyonecaughtusingonedeclaredawitchandburntatthestake.Iremembertherewasa
Websitethatlistedanewwaytoopenabeerbottleeverydayoverthecourseofawhole
year.Somesaidtheyhadrunoutofideasbytheendwhentheysuggestedopeningitonthe
edgeofaturtle’sshell.Germansdidn’tneedtoreadtheblog,however,astheyknewallthese
waysalready.Turtle’sshell?Easy,comeon.Tryandthinkofsomethingalittlemore
imaginative.Don’tyoudaresuggestabottleopener.I’veseenpeoplehereopenbottleswith
theirteeth,evenonewiththeireyesocket.
So,Ausländer,youneedtolearnatleasttenways.Twoofwhichmustbewithalighterand
aspoon.Turtleshellmethodoptional,butnotdiscouraged.
18.SAYWHATYOUMEAN
Englishisnotaboutwhatyousay,buthowyousayit.Germanisboth,butmoretheformer.
SowhatGermanssaytendstobedirectandpreparedwithminimalambiguity.Ruthlessly
efficient,ifyouwill.InEnglish,forexample,ifyouwantsomeonetodosomethingforyou,
youdonotmerelygouptothatpersonandaskthemtodosomethingforyou.Ohno.That
wouldbealargefauxpasofthesocialvariety.Insteadyoumustfirstenquireabouttheir
health,theirfamily’shealth,theirchildren’shealth,theweather,theactivitiesoftheprevious
weekend,theplansoftheupcomingweekend,thejoyorsorrowrelatedtotheoutcomeofthe
mostrecenttelevisedfootballmatch,andonlythen,finally,canyousay‹bytheway,›after
whichyoucanbegintheactualpointoftheconversation,beforereinforcingthatyoufeel
guiltyforhavingtoask,andonlyifit’snotrouble,butwouldtheybesokindastopossibly
dothislittlethingforyou.Youwillbeeternallygrateful.
Germansdonotdancearoundthepointinsuchelaborate,transparentdisplaysoffaux
friendship.Theyjustsay‹Ineedthis,doit,bythisdate.Allesklar?›thenwalkoff.Once
you’vepracticedregularlygettingtothepoint,youmayfindthewaytobeshortbutvery
enjoyable.
Asforsayingwhatyoumean,Germanshaverightlyrealisedthatsugarcoatingisbest
reservedforcakes.IfI’mhavingoneofmymomentarydelusionsofgrandeur,IknowIcan
alwaysrelyonmyGermangirlfriendtobringmeswiftlybackdowntorealitybysaying
somethinglike‹Getoveryourself,we’reallbornnakedandshitinthetoilet.›
19.SPEAKFREELYABOUTSEX
Itisagreatjoytoliveinasocietythatdealswithsexsofranklyandwithoutfuss.Asif,ohI
don’tknow,itwasacompletelynormalpartoflife.Anactsocommonthereiseven
compellingevidenceourlameoldparentsengagedinit.Germansunderstandthis.Sex,while
perhapsdealtwithalittleclinicallyattimes,isnotabigdealandmustnotbetreatedas
such.It’slikewalkingthedogortakingoutthetrash.
Nudityisextendedthesameperfunctoryfamiliarity.ParticularlyaroundlakesintheEast
ofthecountry,withtheirhistoryofFKK.WhenIquestionedoneofmymalecolleagueson
theneedforsuchovertnakednesswhenanyEastGermanspotsabodyofwaterlargerthana
puddle,thiswasthereply:‹Ifyou’veneverswumnakedwithfiveofyourbestmalefriends,
youhaven’tlived!›
So,prudishforeigner,relax,putyourinhibitionsintostorageandembracethisno-nonsense
approachtonudityandsex.I’msureyou’llfindittobeveryliberating.
20.DONOTHINGONSUNDAYS
Picturethescene:Anabandonedhospital.Someonewakesupinahospitalbed.Theroomis
lockedfromtheinside.Theydon’trememberhowtheygotthere.Theyaregroggy.It’squiet.
Eerilyquiet.Theygetupandleavetheroom,steppinggingerlyoutintothehall.Thereareno
humansaround.Itfeelsliketheendoftheworld.Theyventureoutsidetotryandfindsigns
ofhumanity.Thereisnothing.Theystarttowonderiftheyaretheonlyhumanbeingslefton
earth.Maybeitwasakillervirus.It’squiet,tooquiet.Soundsfamiliar?Yes,thisisthestartof
mostzombiemovies.It’salsoadescriptionoftheaverageSundayinGermany.Atleastin
catholicorruralareas.Adayinwhichwashingyourcarisconsideredanactofvigilantism
againstthesacredSonntagsruhe.
Soclearyourcalendar.Thisisthedayyougetnothingdone.Relax.Orgohiking.Theyseem
tobethetwoprimaryandcompletelycontradictoryoptions.Thereisofcourseoneexception,
though.OneSundayactivitythatiscompulsoryforyoutopartakein:
21.WATCHTATORT
InmyfirstWG(sharedflat)wehadaTVattachedtoaSkateboardthatlivedinacupboard.It
wasonlywheeledoutonceaweekforaTVshowcalledTatort.Friendsofmyroom-mates
wouldcomeby,theTVwouldbesetupinthekitchen,elaboratemealswouldbecookedand
shared,thensilencewoulddescend.TheTatortritualwouldbegin.
IfyoudaretoaskaGerman,‹IsTatortactuallygood?›theresponseisusuallyveryamusing.
Youwouldthinksincetheywatchitwithsuchrigidvigour,privatelyoraspartofthepublic
viewingsinKneipen,theymustreallyloveit.Yet,theyusuallydon’tsayyes.Theymakea
shockedface,asifthat’sanewquestionandthey’venotreallythoughtaboutitbefore.It’sas
ifyouhadaskedthem,‹Doyoubelieveingravity?›Then,usually,they’llconcludethat
whetherTatortisgoodorbadisutterlyirrelevant.Everyculturehasitsinheritedcustoms.For
theGermans,it’sSundayTatort.Soforyou,it’sthesame.Inherititwithoutquestionandwith
greatenthusiasm.Thereisnootherchoice.
22.ITISNOTTRUEUNTILYOU’VEREADITATSPIEGEL
ONLINE
Livinghere,you’llnoticeGermansarenotgiventothespreadingofrumourorhearsay.They
preferanecdotesbornofpeer-reviewed,scientificjournalsoffact.Gossipisfortheinferiorof
mind.Anecdotesshouldbeginwiththingslike‹Scientistssay›or‹It’sbeenproventhat.›But
thereisoneexceptionandthatexceptionisSpiegelOnline.Arrivingintheofficeofmyfirst
jobinGermany,nearlyeveryone’smonitorwouldbedisplayingthesameredandblack
Website.Somany,indeed,thatforthefirstweekIactuallythoughtitwasthecompany’s
Intranet.ThenIlearneditwasSpiegelOnline,theplacewherethingsbecometrue.Not
becauseofthequalityoftheirjournalism,butjustthevastnessoftheWebsite’sreachwithin
Germany.ItseemseveryonereadsSpiegelOnline.
Atlunchmycolleagueswouldbeinthekitchen,discussingwhatthey’dread,safeinthe
knowledgethateveryoneelsehadalreadyreadit.Buttheninfuture,curiously,ifthesame
topicscameupagain,they’dallsufferaformofSpiegel-amnesia,forgettingwherethey’d
learntthispieceofinformation.Iassumethisisbecausenoonewantstoadmittheyareall
readingthesamething.Soinsteadtheysaythingslike‹Ireadsomewherethat…,›or‹Ican’t
rememberwhereIheardit,but…›
Nexttimethathappens,youcangentlyremindthem:youreaditonSpiegelOnline.It’snot
trueuntilit’sonSpiegelOnline.
23.ALWAYSSENDFRIENDLYGREETINGS
It’sanacceptedinternetrulethatyoucansayprettymuchwhateveryouwant,aslongasyou
put:)attheend.LOLoptional,butencouraged.Thisremovestheoptionforthereceiver(and
joke’svictim)tobeallowedtobeoffended.Afterall,therewasasmileyface,itwasajoke.If
youareoffended,that’syourfault,youshouldgetasenseofhumour.Germanshaveasimilar
rulefortheircommunication,butthey’vesubstitutedthesmileyfaceforLG(‹lovely
greetings/regards›,crudelytranslated)orMfG(‹withfriendlygreetings›),VG(‹many
greetings›)orthehighlyinnovative,newMvflG(‹withmanyfriendlylovelygreetings›),which
Imayormaynothavejustmadeup.Youcanbeasmeanandaggressiveasyouwant,aslong
asyourmessageisgift-wrappedinapartingLGorMfG,zumBeispiel:
‹HalloAdam,
IreallyenjoyedyourHowtobeGermansteps,andI’mGerman!However,youarewrong.
Points1,52,74,1213,835.534arewrong.Youalsodidn’tmentiontheDeutscheBahn.How
couldyounothavementionedhowmuchweGermanshateourDeutscheBahn?!?!
Unforgiveable.Ihateyou.I’mthinkingnowaboutsadistic,slowwaystokillyou.I’mthinking
aboutwhatImightdowithyourbody.Itwouldbeakindoftoyforme,aplaything.There’s
ahighprobabilityI’dpickleit.Yourskinwillmakeafinecushion.
MvflG
Stefan›
I’mnotevengoingtoquestionthelogicofsigningoffwiththegreeting,anacttraditionally
savedforthebeginning.JustremembertosignoffeverythingwithMvflGandlet’smoveon.
24.PROST!!!
24stepsalready?Wow,you’realmosthalfwaythroughyourquestforcitizenship.Howtime
hasflown.Ibarelyrecogniseyounow.Let’scelebrateyourprogresswithadrink!Butfirst,
there’soneawkwardminefieldofaGermancustomyou’llneedtolearnhowtonavigate–
thatishowto‹Prost›.
Iimagineprosting(saying‹Cheers›beforeyoudrink)usedtobefun.You’reinagroup,
withtheluxuryofenoughmoneytobuythisdrink,enoughtimetodevotetothedrinkingof
it,enoughfriendsthatwanttosocialiseanddrinkwithyou.Prostingisreallyanactofhappy
comradery.Ashort,sweet,clinky‹Fuckyou›totheworldanditspettyproblems.WhenIfirst
arrivedhere,IprostedcasuallyasIwouldinEngland.Maybewetouchedglasses,maybenot,
maybewejustliftedthemeversoslightlymorethanwewouldneedtoreachourmouths,
tippedtheminthedirectionofourfriends,thendrank.Ormaybenot.Maybewejustdrank.
Thisisnotacceptablehere.Allholdersofallbeveragesmustcompeteinasortofawkward
drinkingdance,inwhicheveryonemustmakevery,veryobviouseyecontactwitheveryone
else,inturn,andallglassesMUSTtouchallotherglasses.Then,likeiniceskating,judges,
who’vebeenwatchingfromtheperiphery,holdupscorecardsforallparticipants,showing
howsuccessfullythey’vetakenpartacrossarangeofcriteriasuchas‹didtheyclinkagainst
everyglass,inalogical,clockwisemanner›and‹durationandintensityofeyecontact›.
25.DRINKBIONADE,BUYBIO
Uponarrivalinthisohsoforeignland,you’llseemanyaGermantippingbacktheirheads
andpouringintothemselvescuriously-colouredliquidsfromglassbottlesmarkedBionade.
Keentoassimilateyou’lltryitforyourself.Afterall,somanyGermansaredrinkingit,soit
mustbegood,right?Well,no,notreally.It’sokay.It’smostlytastebudindifferent,butin
liquidform.You’llwonderwhatallthefussisabout.I’lltellyouwhatallthefussisabout…
TheCompanyBionade,beingmarketinggeniuses,includethewordbiointheirname.
Germanshaveabuiltinmust-buyreflexwhenconfrontedwithanyproductthatislabelled
bioorcontainsthewordbio.Youcouldsellthemachocolatebarofchildren’steethifyou
calleditduBIOus.Letmetellyouwhy…
Yousee,supermarketshereareconfusingplaces.Youcan’tfindwhatyouwant.Everything
seemstoinvolveQuark.Facedwithawallofunknownbrandsyouattempttodiscernwhich
thequalityonesare.Thatisthepointatwhichallthewheelsfalloffthewagon.Everything
hereisapparentlyofhighquality.Orwillatleasttellyousoonitspackaging.Eventhe
worst,cheapest,microwavable-in-sixty-secondsburgerwillclaimtobepremium.Oreven
superpremium.Luxus.Deluxe.Superdeluxe.Superluxusdeluxe.Infact,itoftenfeelsasifthere’s
aninverserelationshipbetweenthequalityoftheproductontheshelvesofGerman
supermarketsandthequalitydeclaredontheproduct.
So,anewcategorywasneeded,onethatwouldrepresenttheconsumerapex,thepinnacle,
amarkofunquestionablequality–bio.Hencethemust-buyreflex.Whichwillcontinue
workingnicelyatleastuntilsomeonelabelssomethingsuperbioandthewholecyclestarts
again.
26.RECYCLE
Germansarepassionaterecyclersandsoyoumustbeaswell.Probablybecauseitcombines
threeoftheirfavouritethingsintooneearthpositiveactivity–environmentalism,
organisationandanalretentiveness.Justtryputtingsomethingmadeofpaperinyour
Germanfriend’splasticbin.Alarmswillbetriggered.Lecturesonappropriaterecyclingwill
begiven.Friendshipsmaybestrained.
AtthefirstcompanyIworkedforhere,wehadthreeseparatebinsfordifferenttypesof
rubbish.Ofcourse,weusedthemaslabelled.Thosethatdidnotrecyclecorrectlywere
chastisedloudlyandthenforevertreatedwithcaution,asiftheywerenotpeoplebutsticksof
dynamitethatwereboundtogooffatsomepoint.Onedaymuchtoeveryone’sdisbeliefthe
cleanerinformedusthatdownstairsinthebuilding’scentralrubbishroomtheyjustcombined
allofouroffice’swastefromthethreebinsintoonebigbin.MeinGott!Ourrecyclingefforts
werefutile.Youwouldthink,armedwiththisknowledgeandliberatedfromthehassleof
sortingourrubbish,wejuststartedtoputeverythinginonebininfuture,right?No.We
continuedtoseparateitjustlikebefore,usingallthreebins.Becausethat’swhatyoudo.This
isGermany.
27.STICKTOTHERULES
Ifyou’vebeentothecinemahere,you’llknowtheseatscomeintwotypesandprices–
neckacheandnon-neckache.Neckacheisthefirstrowsfromthefront,andtobeattheback
you’vegottopaymore.I’venotseentieredseatpricinginothercountries.It’sapretty
horriblesystemwhenyouconsiderthatinsteadofjustwatchingthefilmonyourlaptop,in
yourbed,you’vegonetotheeffortofputtingonyourcoatandshoes,leavingthehouse,
goingallthewaytothecinematopaynineeurostositinanicycold,darkroomtowatcha
moviethatwon’tevenendproperlywithaniceconclusive‹happyeverafter›likeitdidinthe
olddays,becausenoweverythinghastobeatrilogy,andthenaprequeltrilogy,andsoon
untilbeforeyounoticeit,you’resittingdowntowatchSpiderman417.Reallycinemasshould
payyouformakingalltheefforttoactuallyvisitthem,ratherthanchargingyouextratosit
intheback,butI’vewanderedoffmyoriginalpoint…
WhyIreallylikegoingtothemoviesinGermanyisbecauseit’soneoftheraretimesIhave
thepleasureofwatchingmyGermangirlfriendbreakarule.Forafleetingmomentwe’renot
ournormallameselves,butaretransformedintoanallyretentive,suitablydressed,tax
payingBonnieandClydes.Why?Becauseweneverpayfortheexpensiveseats.Butwe
alwayssitinthem.Feelfreetobegreatlyshockednow…
Inthebeginning,itwasnoteasytocoaxhertotheback.Infact,sheflatoutrefused.There
wasasystem.Germansrespectrulesandsystems,whichisthepointofthisstepandwhat
youmustlearn.Inthiscase,it’saverycapitalisticsystem,butasystemandarule
nonetheless.ArulethemajorityofGermansfollow.Ihavenodoubtthatiftheaverage
GermanenteredaKinosaaltofinditcompletelyempty,exceptforoneotherpersonwhowas
sittingintheirprescribedseat,they’dchecktheirticketfivetimes,andthenaskthemto
move.
ThenIcameupwithaplan.WhenaskedwhereIwouldliketositbytheticketselleror
whenreservingonline,Ibeganpickingthefarleftcornerofthefrontrow,whichannoysher
somuch,she’swillingtobreaktherulesandcomewithmetothebackandanillicitpremium
seat.Itdoesresultinmegettinghitseveraltimes,whichIconsidermerelyanacceptablecost
ofdoingnefariousbusiness.Sheaccompaniesmetothebackwithgreattrepidation.Asifwe
werenotmerelydefraudingthecinemaoftwoeuros,butdefraudingtheEuropeanCentral
Bankofmillionsinanelaborateheistinvolvingsafecrackers,gymnasticmidgetsand
explodingpens.Onceseatedattheback,sherefusestorelaxuntilabouthalfwaythroughthe
moviewhenshe’sabsolutelycertaintheseatswe’reinwillnotbeclaimedbyanyrightful
owner.Untilthenshevisiblysquirmsinhercontrabandseateverytimethedoorsopen,looks
ingenuinephysicalpain,andrepeatedlysays‹Ihateyou,Ihateyou,Ihateyou.›I’mnotsure
whatshemeansbythat.I’venotimetothinkaboutit,sinceI’mbusystaringstraightahead
andenjoyingthemoviefromourvastlysuperiorandneckache-freeseats.
28.LOVEYOURCAR
It’sverytimeconsumingforGermanmentohavetokeeppullingtheirpenisesoutfor
comparisonagainsttheothermentheymeet.Italsotendstoberatherdistractingforthe
otherpeoplewhoarepresent.Sothey’veevolvedotherwaystorankthemselves,the
favouritebeingcars.WhenmygirlfriendtoldherfathershehadanewEnglishboyfriend,his
firstquestion,beforemyname,age,job,interests,etc.,was‹Whatkindofcardoeshedrive?›
Germansareseriousabouttheircars.They’realsoprettygoodatmakingthem.Possiblythose
twothingsarerelated,butsinceIcan’tthinkofanyjokesinthelinkingofthem,I’ll
convenientlyignorethatandjustmovetoareminderthatif,likeme,youknownothingmore
aboutcarsthanthatthey’relikebicyclesbuthavetwomorewheels,youwon’tfitinhere.
Research.DoaninternshipatBMWorPorsche.WatchFormula1.Studytheschematicsfor
engines.Buywintertyresforyourcar.Idon’tcareifyoudon’thaveacar.Buythemanyway.
Makealittleeffort,people…
29.KLUGSCHEISSEN
Asamarketer,Iwasalwaystold:Neverletthetruthgetinthewayofagoodstory.InGermany,
it’stheopposite:Neverletagoodstorygetinthewayofthetruth.ForGermans,truthissacred
andprayedtofromthealtaroffact.
Therefore,it’salsoveryimportanttocorrectotherpeoplewhentheysaysomefhing
incorrect,nomatterhowsmallandutterlyinconsequentialitmightbe.Theyarewrong.You
areawareofthis.It’syourdutytoinformthem.This,theGermanscallklugscheißen(‹smart
shitting›,literallytranslated).Germansbeingwhip-smartfact-loversareworldchampionsat
theKlugscheiß.
Ifsomeoneweretosay,‹Yeah,wewerejustinChinaattheendofOctober,wespenta
weekinHongKongandtheninShanghai,›they’dbeimmediatelyinterruptedbytheir
partner,whowouldcorrectthembysaying,‹Itwasn’tOctober,weflewoutonNovember1st
at10:37a.m.FromTegel.Youboughtabagelindepartures,remember?Withcreamcheese.›
‹Okay,November1st.Fine.Mybad.›
ThensomeoneelsewantingtojointheKlugscheißpartywouldadd,‹Actually,HongKong
isnotapartofChinalikeShanghai.It’saSpecialAdministrativeRegion,whichaffordsit
certainlegislativefreedoms.›
‹Okay,wewereinShanghaiandHongKong,whichisaSpecialAdministrativeRegionof
China,affordingitcertainlegislativeprivileges,fortwoweeksfromthe1stNovember.›
‹Thirteendays.Wewereonlythereforthirteendays.Nottwoweeks.›
‹Hmmpfh.Igiveup.›
Therearevarioustacticsfordealingwithbeingrepeatedlyklugscheißed:Youcanjuststop
sayinganythingeverandciteafearofincorrectnessasthereasonforyourvowofsilence;or
youcancreateaT-shirtthatsays,‹Itreallydoesn’tmatterthough,doesit?›,whichyoucan
pointateverytimeithappens;oryoucanacceptthatyoucan’tbeatthemandsoshouldjust
jointhem,experiencingthegreatjoythatcanbefoundinnotverydelicatelyinforming
peopleoftheirminorfactualincorrectness.
30.INTERROGATEJOKES
Germanshavetheunfortunatereputationofbeinghumourless.That’snottrue.German
humourislikeGermanbread:dark,dry,nottoeveryone’staste,butinplentifulsupply.The
keydifferencebetweenourtwonationsandtheirapproachtofunnyisthatGermanslike
theirhumourtomakelogicalsense.InEnglandthereistheconceptofaflippantremark.So,
ifit’srainingheavily,youcansay‹Niceweatherforducks,›andyourconversationpartner
willjustnod,ormaybeevensmile.Theyknowthatwhatyousaidmakeslittlesenseandis
merelyasilenceeradicatingbitofwordfluff.Asimple,bondingwitticismtopassthetime.
It’snotimportantwhetheritmakessense.Itdoesnotrequirefurtherthought.Untilnow,
littleAusländer.Nowitmatters.Ohyeah.Itmattersalot.Toyou.You’reGermannow.Don’t
judgethejokeprimarilybyhowfunnyitis.That’sforamateurs.You’regoingpro.Judgethe
jokefirstlybyhowfeasibleitis.Anoffhandwitticismatduckslikingrainshouldbecomea
fifteenminutelonganalysisabouttheimplausibilitythatducksfeeleitheronewayorthe
otherforanytypeofweather.Don’tjustlaughatthesillythingstheIrishmandoes,enquire
astowheretheEnglishman,IrishmanandScotsmanmet?Whywouldtheyboardaplane
withonlyoneparachute?Isthatevenlegal?HowdidtheyarrangeameetingwiththePope?
Exactlywhywouldabearwalkintoabar?
TobetrulyGermanyoumustsubjecteventheshortestquiporjoketovigorousfurther
questioningasifitweretheprimesuspectinaviolentmurderofsenseandreason.
31.DON’TLIGHTYOURCIGARETTESFROMACANDLE
Asawriter,ImakemoneywhenpeoplebuythingsI’vescribbledallover.Likethisbookfor
example.Thanksforbuyingthat,reallykindofyou.Sadly,there’snotthatmanyofyoubookbuyersleft.Notsincesomehappyidiotinventedmotionpicture,andthingssuddenlyhadto
writhearoundinfrontofustobeworthyofourattention.ThentheInternetcamealongand
toldeveryonethateverythingshouldbefree.ThenglobaltimesinkFacebookarrivedand
swallowedwhateversparetimewasleftfromapopulacenowtoobusy,toodistractedtositin
aroomquietlyreadingsomeoldbitsofdeadtree.Thesedaysbeingawriterismostlyjustan
elaborateexerciseinfinancialfutility.
Doesanyonecare?No.DoGermanscare?No.Shouldtheycare?No.
YetthereisoneamusingandendangeredminoritythattheGermansdotrytoprotect.The
humblesailor.NexttimeyoufindyourselfinyourlocalRaucherkneipe,trylightingyour
cigarettefromacandle.There’sagoodchancesomeonewillmakeakindofdisapproving
oooohhhhsound,tutorgenerallyshaketheirheadsinadisapprovingmanner.Becauseyou
justbankruptedanothersailor.Niceone,asshole.Thestoryofthisamusingsuperstitionisas
follows:Inthegoodolddaysofyesteryear,sailorswereoffplunderingandtradingand
generallymakingnauticalnuisancesofthemselves.Exceptintheleanwintermonthswhen,
strugglingforsailingjobs,theystartedsellingmatchestoearnaliving.SopopularGerman
logicdictates,bylightingacigarettefromacandleyouarenotusingthematchesofasailor,
andsodeprivingthemoftheirliving.Renderingthemdestitute.Someevensayasailordies
instantlythemomentsomeonelightsacigarettefromacandle.Thisiswithoutfactualmerit
andIsuspectisarumourstartedbysailorsthemselves.
Germansstillbelievethatsailorsshouldbeexemptfromthechallengesofcommerce.Until
thatchanges,itwillneverbefinetolightyourcigarettesfromacandle.
P.S.DidyouknowthateverytimeyouwatchaYouTubeclipanovelistdies?100%true.
Stepawayfromthatcutecatvideo,murderer.
32.FENSTERAUFKIPP
ThereisawidespreadbeliefinSouthKoreathatsleepinginaclosedroomwhileafanison
cancausedeath.Fandeathit’simaginativelycalled.Whilescientificallypossible,it’saboutas
probableaswinningeverylotteryonearth,allatonce,whilstbeingstruckbylightning.Still,
it’sawidelyheldbeliefand,becauseofit,fansthereareequippedwithtimers.
Germanshavetheirownversionoffandeath.Becausewe’veallpraisedGermanbuilders
andengineerssomuch,manyGermanshavecometobelievethattheydon’tbuildapartments
andhomesbutairtightfortresses.Asaresult,manyGermansbelieveErstickungstod(death
bysuffocation)isaseriousconcerniffreshairisnotregularlyallowedtocirculateintheir
Zwei-Zimmer-Wohnung.Therefore,GermanwindowshavebeenbuiltwithaspecialKipp
(tilt)mode,leavingthewindowapproximately10%open,inafixedposition.Eveninthe
deadofwinter,it’snotuncommontowalkintoaGerman’sbedroomandfindthewindow
kippedandtheroomcoolenoughtofreezemeat.Ifnotkipped,thenregularStoßlüftung
(rushairing)isrequired.Thisiswhenyouopenthewindowfullyforashorttimetoallow
coldairtofloodinandattacktheevil,stale,warmair.ThisalsoexplainswhyGermansare
deeplydistrustfulofairconditioners,whichjustsitaroundmockingthem,churningoutold,
recycledcarbondioxide.
Theloveofkippingcanbequiteaproblemforinternationalrelationships.TheEnglishput
anapartment’sheatingonfullyfromthe1stOctober,thendon’ttouchitagainuntillate
April.We’renotusedtoawinterofFensteraufKipp.Sowehavetoplayasortofheatingtag
withourGermanpartners.Inwhichwewaitforthemtogotosleep,quietlyclosethewindow
they’vehadopenallday,thenputontheheatingtodriftoffintoawarm,toastyslumber.By
morningthegoodtimesareover,asourspouseshaveawoken,surprisedandthankfulthat
theydidnotsuffocateduringthenight,turnedtheheatingimmediatelyoff,andreopenedthe
windowagain.
Brrr.Getusedtothatcoldfeeling,you’reaKippernow.
33.FEELMIXEDABOUTBERLIN
Alright,youngAusländer.Wecan’thaveyouholedupinyourstuffyWohnungfortoomuch
longer.Atsomepointyou’llhavetogetoutthereandexplorealltheexoticcornersofthis
fine,large,Wurstparadiesofacountry.Solet’sdevoteafewstepsofthisguidetohelpingyou
inyourgeographicendeavours.Firstup,Berlin.
TheaverageGermanhasacomplexrelationshiptotheirHauptstadt.Berlinistheblack
sheepoftheGermanfamily.Creative,unpunctual,pronetospontaneousdisplaysoftechno,
unabletopayitstaxes,andoverlyfamiliarwithforeigners.TomanyGermans,Berlinisnot
reallytheircapital,butmorelikeagiantartprojectorsocialexperimentthatonlyturnsup
whenhungoverandinneedofahandout.Tothem,thetruecapitalisprobablysomewhere
morelikeFrankfurt.YouknowwhereyouarewithFrankfurt.
34.HATEBAVARIA
Everypantomimeneedsitsvillain.ForGermany,thewickedwitchisBavaria.Firstly,ithad
themisfortunetobebasedrightdownthereinthecorner,farenoughawaythatwecanall
saymeanthingsaboutitanditwon’thear,andnotcentralenoughthatitcouldclaimreal
geographicimportance.Itthenhadtheaudacitytobecomethericheststate,butnotquietly
andwithhumility,butinagregarious,badlydressed,heavydrinking,Godgreeting,country
bumpkinsortofway.It’sasourceofwiderGermanmirthsince,whileonlyonepartofthis
hugecountry,it’sresponsiblefor91%ofallwiderheldGermanstereotypesand100%ofthe
annoying,inaccurateones.
35.HATETHESAXONYDIALECT
ThereisoneareaofGermanlifeofwhichthereisabsolutelynodebate.Whereitseemsthat
sometimeagoapollwastaken,andtherewasaclearwinner.TheresultwasonSpiegelOnline
andsobecameafact:TheworstdialectinGermanyisSächsisch.It’sofficial;ask100people,
99willimmediatelyanswer‹Sächsisch›.PeoplethatspeakitarenotrealGermansapparently,
butyokelswithspeechimpediments,justrecentlydownfromtheircavesinthemountains.
WhenItellsomebodyIstudiedGermanattheVolkshochschuleLeipzig,alookofhorror
appearsacrossmyconversationpartner’sface,asiftheycan’tbelievetheygrantlicencesto
languageschoolsinsaxony.It’sasifIjustadmittedlearningparentingfromMichaelJackson.
Nuklar.
36.PICKASIDE,RESPECTTHEDIVIDE
TheUKhasastrange‹willthey,won’tthey›relationshipwiththeContinent,andyou’lloften
hereussayingbafflingthingsabout‹goingonholidaytoEurope.›Yousee,bordersofthe
mindcanliveonformanyyearsafteranyreal,physicaloneshavecomedown.It’sthesame
here.Morethantwentyyearsafterreunification,theEast/Westdividestilllivesoninthe
mindsandprejudicesofmanyGermans,wellbeyondthemonthlypaymentoftheir
Solidaritätszuschlag.It’snotuncommontomeetGermanswho’veneverhadmorethana
weekendtriptotheotherhalfoftheircountry.Thismentaldividecanbeglimpsedinthe
occasionalcommentoranunusualphrasinglike‹AfriendvisitedfromtheWest,›or‹Oh,they
alsohavethatinEastGermanyaswell?›
Talkingtosome(particularlyolder)EastGermans,yougetthefeelingtheystillthinkofthe
Westnotasanotherpartofthesamecountry,butasasinister,capitalistMcDonald’stheme
parkwhereitrainsmoneyandthegiftshopnevercloses.OlderWestGermans,meanwhile,
thinkEastGermanyisthebunkerwhereOsamabinLadenwashidingout.
37.FAHRESCHWARZ
IntheUK,weknowthatthegreatestrisktosafetyiscomplacency.Thesatisfied,complacent
humanisliketheNeanderthalthatrelaxesafterabigfeedandsettlesdowntosleepbythe
fire,onlysleepssodeeplythattheydon’theartheapproachinglion.So,muchliketheUSA,
wetreatoursocietyasifitwereasnowglobe.Anytimeitlookslikethesnowissettlingand
everythingispicturesqueandtranquil,thegovernmentandmediashakeeverythingupagain.
Foiledterroristplot!MoreCCTVcameras!Recession!Impendinghealthepidemic!SARS!African
bees!
What’simportantisthatpeoplearefreakedoutandfearful.That’llkeepthemalert,that’ll
keepthemsafe.Thisisthereasonwhywhenastrangertalkstoachildinapark,theparents
nowautomaticallyassumethepersontobeakidnapperorpaedophile.It’sjustsaferthat
way.
Becauseofallthisparanoia,whenyouridetheLondonUnderground,securityisbountiful
andthere’salwaysanaromatotheair,somewherebetweendepressionandimpendingdoom.
Letgoofthatfearnow,youngforeigner.InGermany,publictransportispoweredbytrust.
Youmaynothaveseenthatwordforawhile,soIassureyouit’snotatypeofrust.It’sanact
offaith,thatmeanstherearenosecuritybarriershere.Thereisaticketmachine.Youbuy
yourticket.Youridethepublictransport.Oryoudon’tbuytheticket,andyoucanstillride
thepublictransport.Thisiscalledschwarzfahren.Thechoiceisyours.It’salovely,liberating
thing.Ifyouchoosetodothedishonourablethingandnotbuyaticket,that’salsookay.
Despitebeingveryrule-consciouspeople,manyGermansfahrenschwarz.Withoutshame.
You’llseeticketinspectorsenterthecarriageand,withacheekygrinofrecognitionthat
they’recaught,alltheSchwarzfahrersremovetheirIDcardsandholdthemout,readyfor
theirfine.Notasifthey’djustbrokenthelaw,buttotallynaturallyandnonchalantly.Asifa
billlongexpectedhasnowarrivedontheirdoormat,andnowit’stimetopay.
38.GETQUALIFIED
Well,well,well.You’vehadquitesomefunrecently,right,mymostdaringAusländer?
Ridingaroundwithavalidticket.Outcavortingwithyournewfavouritenationfolkin
BavariaandBerlin.Who’sgoingtopayforallthosegoodtimes,then?You,ofcourse.It’s
timeforyourfirsttentativestepsintoGermanemployment.
WhenIfirstmovedhere,Iwasgiventhefollowingadvice:‹InEngland,it’shewhodrinks
themostanddoesn’tvomitonhisshoesthatgetsthegirl.Here,it’shewhoknowsthemost
aboutphilosophythatgetsthegirl.›That’sanexaggeration,butholdsakerneloftruth.
Germans,onaccountoftheirexcellentschoolsystem(atleastincomparisontotheEnglish)
andtheextraordinarilylongtimetheytendtostudy,areanintellectualbunch.Asaresult,
theyalsotendtohaveagreatnumberofqualifications.
Vanityalwaysneedsanaudience,andintellectualvanityisnodifferent.SotheGermans
neededtocreatesituationsinwhichtheycouldgentlyremindotherGermanshowmuch
morequalifiedtheyarethanthem.AnoutdatedideainEnglishculture,whereeverythingis
onafirst-namebasis,whereIamAdam,heisJohn,andit’swhat’sinourheadthatshows
ourqualificationsandintelligence.Here,it’sthelettersbeforeorafteryourfullname,letters
thatareusedwhenaddressingeachother,forexampleHerrDr.orFrauProf.Dr.h.c.
Schmidt…noneofthisfirstnameover-familiaritybusiness.Eventhehumbledoorbelloffers
anopportunityforneighbourone-upmanship,whereacademicqualificationscanbelisted.
Youcanexpectoccasionalsmirksandreassuringpatsontheshoulderwhenyoutellyour
GermanfriendsyouonlyhaveaBAinTheatreStudies,asiftheyhaveanewlyfoundrespect
forthefactyoucanalreadymanagetodressyourselfproperly.
39.ENLARGEYOURCV
Youknowwhensometimesyou’reonlineandyoutrytoloadaWebpageanditjustsortof
getsstuck.Nobiggie,youjustwaitandrefreshandacoupleofsecondslaterthepage
appears.Doyouknowwhythetubesoftheinternetgotcloggedforthosefewseconds?Ido.
AGerman,somewhere,justemailedaprospectiveemployeracopyoftheirCV.Yousee,
GermanCVsarenotliketheCVsofothercountries…
Towardstheendofmyuniversitydegreetherewasaspecialcourseabouthowtosecurea
job.Wediscussedinterviewtechniques,networking,andCVs.Thecraftingofarealstandout
CV.Thoselessonsconsistedmostlyofmyteachergettingangryandyellingatustomake
themshorter.Shorter,people,shorter!He’dparadestatisticsabouthowtheaverageCVis
readforjustfourseconds,andsowe’dmakethemshorteragain.AsaresultmyCVisjust
fourlineslong,itsays‹Iamaniceman.Goodskills.Cleanteeth.Hireme.›Thenthere’smy
emailaddressandagiantpictureofabespectacledunicorn.
Thatjustdoesn’tcutithere.TobeatrueGerman,yourCVmustbeatleastseventeenpages
long,beforeappendices,ofwhichthereshouldbeatleasttwenty.Bynow,EnglishCVsare
almostanonymous.We’renotevenallowedtoputourageonthemanymore,incaseit
encouragesageism.Here,yourGermanCVmustbeginwithaprofessionalmodelshotof
yourself.Nextitshouldmoveontoyouracademicqualifications.Puttheoldestonesthat
noonecaresaboutrightupontop,likeyourGymnasiumgrades.Don’tputanypersonalstuff
intheCV.No-one’sinterestedinyourhopes,dreams,orfive-yearplan.Justlistthefactsof
yourlife,likeanobituaryforthestillliving.ThisisGermany–wepeddlefact,notanecdote.
Careercharlatan.Then,includeascanofeverycertificateandqualificationyouhaveever
received.Camesecondinyourschool’ssportsdayhighjumpeventbackin1998?Includeit.
Itdemonstratesyourdriveandcommitment.Thenmoveontoreferences.Themorethe
merrier.Tobeonthesafeside,youshouldgetonefromeveryoneyou’veevermet.After
those,anythinggoes.Shoppinglistfrom1987?Thatessayyouwrotewhenyouwerenine
aboutaparticularlyenjoyablesummerholiday,forwhichyoureceiveda1.0?Yeah.Stick
thosein.Gotsiblings?What’syourmaritalstatus?Children?Whatdoyourparentsdo?All
vitalinformationwhenassessingyourabilitytoanswertelephonesinacallcenter.List
everyone’snames,agesandjobs,justtobesafe.
TobetrulyGermanisnottosendprospectiveemployersaCV,butagiantdocument;death
byminutiae.
40.FINDA‹REAL›JOB
Goodnews,fearlessculturalambassador,theGermaneconomyisrocking.Youmightyet
avoidthebaffling,KafkaesquefortressofdespairthatisvisitingthelocalArbeitsagentur.
EvenintheEast,whereformerlystrugglingcitieslikeLeipzighaveredevelopedthemselves
intobuzzinglogisticshubs.So,armedwithallthosenewqualificationsandlettersbefore
yourname,you’llhavenoproblemsfindingwork.Butnotallworkisequallyprized.Thereis
anunspokenscaleofcareers,known,butnotacknowledged,byallGermans.Realjobsand
notrealjobs.ForaprofessiontocountinGermany,itshouldhaveexistedforatleasta
hundredyears,bevaguelyscientific,oratleastdenseenoughthatitrequireshalfalifetimeof
studyandtheopportunitytoacquire67differentacademicqualifications.Itshouldbe
impenetrabletooutsiders,andshieldedinitsowncomplexlanguage.Ideally,itshouldalso
startwithaneandendinngineering.Butotheracceptedprofessionsarescientist,lawyer,
doctor,teacher,somethingthatinvolvesorganisingthingsonalargescale,likelogistics,or
anythingtodowithcars.Otherwise,whenpeopleaskyouaboutyourjob,thesamewill
happentoyouashappenstome.Ireply‹I’mamarketer,›atwhichpointsomeonesays,‹that’s
notreallyajobthough,isit?›
41.FAILATSARCASM
It’snoteasybeingBritish.Badgenes,baddiet,tendencytoapologiseforeverything,
includingapologisingforalwaysapologisingforeverything.What’salsodifficultisthatfor
reasonstodowithMontyPython,everyonethinksall60millionofusareMarmite-eating,
stand-upcomedians.Thatnoonegetsanythingdone,sincewe’realwaysdoubledover,belly
laughingatthehilariousquipsofourislands’compatriots.Asaresult,there’ssocialpressure
onustoalwaysbefunny.Afterall,we’reBritish.Youknow,MontyPython,etc.
Germanssufferfromtheoppositeproblem.Humourisdifficultforthembecausenoone
thinkstheyhaveany,sotheyhavetoworkdoublyhardtoprovepeoplewrong.Whichoften
means,whensomeonemakesapoorjokeaboutGermanshavingnohumourorsays
somethinginappropriateaboutthewar,theyhavetwooptions.Firstly,theycanlaugheven
thoughit’snotfunny,toproveGermansdohaveasenseofhumour.Whichonlyincreasesthe
oddsthatpeoplewillcontinuemakingthoselamejokes.Whichthey’llhavetokeeplaughing
at.Or,secondly,theydon’tlaugh,reinforcingthestereotypethatGermanshavenosenseof
humour.It’sacomedyCatch-22.
AsimilarproblemconfrontsGermansattemptingsarcasm.Sarcasmisnotapopularpartof
Germancomedy.It’smostlypractisedbyinternationalGermanswhopickeditupelsewhere
likedenguefeverforthefunnyboneandhavebeentryingtoinfecttheircompatriotsever
since.Inmyexperience,thereisabouta90%chanceanysarcasmattemptbyaGermanwill
fail,becausenoonesuspectstheyaretryingtobesarcastic,andsoeveryonejusttakesthem
literally,whichresultsinconversationslikethisone:
‹Yeah,well,inFinlandeveryhousekeepsapenguinasapet.›
‹Really?!?Ineverreadthatanywhere.Insidethehouse?›
‹No,don’tbesilly…›(rollseyes,adoptsincreasinglysarcastictone)‹inanigloointhe
garden!›
Headsareshaken.‹Really?!?!DasmachtkeinenSinn.›
‹Yeah,REALLY.PenguinsaretheFinnishdog.Theywalkthemonleads,it’sverynormalto
seepenguinswaddlingalongontheirmorningwalk.›
‹WasthatonSpiegelOnline?›
‹Yeah,itwasonSpiegelOnline,theyinterviewedoneofthepenguins.›
‹Dasistnichtlogisch.Howcanyouinterviewapenguin?›
‹Oh,meinGott!Iwasbeingsarcastic!Ofcoursetheydon’tkeeppenguinsaspets.›
Inourfriendsgroup,we’vegotaroundthisproblembycreatingaGerman-attemptingsarcasm-card.It’snotarealcard,it’smorelikeanimaginaryceremonialcardthatyou
brandishaboveyourheadlikeafootballrefereewouldaredcard.Theneveryoneknowsto
laughatthesarcasmyouareabouttoproduce.Likeairleavingapuncturedbicycletyre,it
doesletsomeofthefunout,butenablesGermanstosuccessfullypartakeinthepithyfunthat
issarcasm.
42.LEARNTOENJOYBUREAUCRACY
Ireallyenjoywatchingthoseslightlypompousperiodmovieswithkings,earlsandknights.
There’salwaysapointinwhichamessenger‹mustleaveatonce›withsomewax-sealed,
officialcorrespondencetodeliver,whichhedoes,afterridingallnight,arriving,someone
blowingahorn,adrawbridgeislowered,themessenger,outofbreath,dismountsandsays
somethingoverlyformallike‹IcarrytidingsfromthehouseofElrond.›
WhileitwouldbeanexaggerationtosayGermanyisstilllikethis,theGermans,likethe
peopleofthatearliertime,dostillrevelintheceremonyofauthority.Theyliketothinkof
themselvesasDichterundDenker(poetsandthinkers)butitwouldbeperhapsmoreaptto
labelthemStampersandDINers.It’sasiftheyseebureaucracy’sredtapenotsomuchasa
restriction,butsomethingofferingthemsafe,securepaddingagainstlife’ssharperedges.
IfPaperspielwasasport,Ifeelconfidentinsuggestingit’stheGermanswho’dtriumphat
theOlympics.TheGermanswouldbethere,carryingtheirlittlewoodentreesofstamps,and
pullingaHandwagenstackedheadhighwithalltheirdifferentclips,hyper-specialised
stationery,andofficialdocumentsfullofcompoundGermanlegaleselikedie
Rechtsschutzversicherungsgesellschaft(acompanyofferinglegalprotectioninsurance).
Itwouldbeanannotated,sortedandhighlight-filleddrubbing.
43.GUTGUT,NAJA,ACHSO,ALLESKLAR&UNDSONSTSO
TheGermanlanguagecanseemintimidating.Evenwithallthateffortyou’veputin,you
mightbecomedisheartenedthatyou’llneverwrapyourtonguearoundthismostperplexing
oflingos.Worrynot.I’mgoingtohelpyounow.Ididn’twanttotellyouaboutthislanguage
hackearlier,becauseyoumightnothaveputsomucheffortintolearningGermanthe
traditional,painfulway.Worrynot,friend,youcanspeakGermanimmediately,rightnow.
Oratleastmostofit.Theimportant,smalltalkparts.Allyouneedarethefivemostspoken
Germanphrases,whichmakeup60%ofspokenconversation.Gut,naja,achso,allesklarand
undsonstso.WholeconversationscanbeheldusingjustthesemostflexibleofGerman
phrases,whichcanbecombinedintonearlyanyorder:
‹Na?›
‹Ja.›
‹Achso.›
‹Allesklar?›
‹Naja.›
‹Gutgut.›
Pause
‹Undsonstso?›
44.PRACTICALITYTRUMPSEVERYTHING
There’soneregularpointofcontentionbetweenmyGermangirlfriendandme,whichIthink
alsohintsatawiderideologicalgapbetweentheGermansandmanyothernations.Agapyou
mayalsohavetojumponaregularbasis.WecallitEnglishromanticismvs.German
practicality.AnyonewhohasseenhowEnglishwomendressforawinter’snightofpartying
willknowthatpracticalityisnotaprimaryconcernofours.Likemagpies,hoardinganything
shiny,weevaluatethingsfirstbytheiraestheticvalue,then,secondly(ornotatall),bytheir
practicality.Germanstendtovaluepracticalityaboveallelse.Thisiswhytheyregularlysay
thingslike:
‹Dasistdochunlogisch.›
‹DasmachtaberkeinenSinn.›
‹Totalunpraktisch.›
‹Wirklichsinnlos.›
Now,youdon’thavetowaitforsomeonetoknockonthedoorandtrytosellyouachocolate
teapotbeforeyousaythose.Youcanjustsaytheminresponsetosomeone’sopinionyou
don’tagreewith.That’sverynormalhere.
Thisculturaldifferenceismostnoticeablewhendiscussingapartments.TobeGerman,your
responsewhenaskedaboutyourapartmentshouldbepure,nakedfacts.Likeyou’renot
discussingaplacewhereyouraiseyourchildren,butreadingacriminal’schargesheetor
medicalprescription.It’sveryimportantyouknowtheexacteuropersquaremetreprice.
Startwiththat.Thenthetotalnumberofsquaremetersandnumberofrooms.Thenmoveon
totheKaltmiete(rentprice),nexttheNebenkosten(additionalcosts).Nextisifithasa
balcony.Thenexacttypeofparquetflooring.AllGermansappeartobeexpertsonparquet
flooringvarietiesandcandiscussatlengththeirindividualmerits.Importantwhenyou’ll
onlytouchitwithyourhouseshoesanyway.Afterthatyoucansaywheretheapartmentis
geographicallyorifyouactuallylikeit.Ifyouwant.Uptoyou.Afterall,you’vesaidallthe
importantstuffalready.
45.TRAVELSERIOUSLY
Well,I’dsayyou’veworkedsohardfittingin,it’stimeyoutakealittlebreak.Howabouta
foreignholiday?Sadly,travellingwith/asaGermanisalsoproblematic.Ifyou’regoingto
behavecorrectly,ohculturalexplorer,you’vemuchtolearn.See,newland=newrisks.The
firststepoftheGermanProjektUrlaubistounderstandthepotentialhazardsofthisforeign
landandensuretheyarenegatedthroughextensiveinsurancesandpropertravelequipment.
EvenaweekendexcursiontotheBalticSeamayrequiretheuseofhightechhikingfootwear
withspecialsoles,zip-offtrousers,adrinkcanister,andalotofthosespecialhookthingsthat
climbersuse.Mapsmustbeprinted.Routesplanned.Backuproutesfound.Backupbackup
routesfound.
OnarrivalinmoredistantlandsGermansareoftendisappointedwhentheyseethese
countriesarejustnotrunefficiently.Theirdisapprovalwillmanifestinsentenceslike‹They
saidthebuswouldleaveat6p.m.It’s6:15p.m.already.Typisch!›,‹Abathroomthisbadly
ventilatedisjustamagnetformould›,or‹Isasimplesplitbilljusttoomuchtoaskfromthese
people?›
Germansabroadareparttraveller,partTechniküberprüfungs-employee,tallyinghealthand
safetyviolationswiththeireyes,markingofflocationsofemergencyexitsandtoilets.
Arrivingatarestaurantyou’llseethemmentallyarrangingthefurniturewiththeireyesfor
optimumFluss(flow).Travellingisalittlebitaboutgettingtouseallofthevariousforeign
languagestheyknow,butmostlyanopportunitytoberemindedfirsthandaboutjusthow
muchbettereverythingalreadyisinGermany.
46.KNOWTHATBIRTHDAYSARESERIOUSBUSINESS
InGermanybirthdaysarenotjustaconvenientexcusetoeatcake,beaskedrepeatedly
annoyingquestionsabouthowitfeelstobeadayolder,thengetdrunkandpassoutundera
pileofcoats.No,here,celebratingyourbirthdayisseriousbusiness.Infact,thepossibilityof
youcommittingasocialfauxpasissohigh,it’smaybebettertocancelthewholethingand
justagesilentlywithoutfanfare.Firstly,knowthatyouhavetobringcakeintotheofficefor
everyone.Eventhoughit’syourbirthdayandpeopleshouldreallydothenicethingsforyou.
Nottheotherwayround.It’salsovitallyimportantyoucelebrateonlyontheexactday.
GrowingupintheUK,wewereallowedtopickwhichdaywouldbeourbirthday.Soifitwas
aTuesday,wecouldjustmoveittotheweekendbefore.Thatbecameourbirthday.Wehad
ourpresents,peoplewishedushappybirthday,wehadaparty.ThenTuesdaywouldarrive
andbetreatedjustasanyotherTuesday.Afterall,wehadourbirthdayontheprevious
Saturday.Birthdayswerejustabstractconceptsthatmeantitwassociallyacceptabletowear
partyhatsandhogallthelimelight.
InGermanyyoudon’tjustgomovingyourbirthday.Youwerebornonthe1stMarch.That
isyourbirthday.Thatisthedayofyourbirth.Thatspecificdatecommemoratesyour
expulsionfromyourmother’sbody.Youcanchangethedayofyourbirthjustassuccessfully
asyoucangrowasecondnose.Sodon’teventry,liar.Ifyoudohavetomovethedayfor
logisticalreasons,onlymoveittoadateafteryourrealbirthday.Becausebeingwisheda
happybirthdaybeforeyourrealbirthdayisconsideredterribleluckhere.Judgingbythe
levelofsuperstitionaffordedtoit,itmustincreasethechancesofyoudyingbeforeyourreal
birthdaybyabout74%.It’salsoimportantthatyouknowtheexacttimetotheminutethat
youwereborn.Soyoucancelebrateyourbirthdaymoretruthfullyandprecisely,whichis,
afterall,what’sreallyimportant.
47.WATCHDINNERFORONEONNEWYEAR’SEVE
IfItoldyouthatonenightoftheyear,alltheGermanTVchannelsplaythesamemovie,ona
loop,forawholeevening,you’dprobablythink…why?Or,thatmustbequitesomemovie.
IsitJaws2?Ilikedthatonebest.
I’mnotquitesurewhy,andno,it’snotJaws2.Infactit’sanEnglishmovie,andevenmore
surprisingisthattheydon’tdubit.Butit’snotanEnglishmovieanyEnglishpersonhasheard
of.ShouldyouwalkthehighstreetsofEnglandandconductasurvey,askingpeoplewhich
EnglishmovieissolovedthatononenightoftheyearalltheGermanTVchannelsplayiton
aloop,Ifeelconfidentinsuggestingthismoviewouldnotmakethelistatall.It’sanEnglish
moviethatEnglishpeopledon’tknowisanEnglishmovie.Orevenamovie.Orevenathing.
It’sanobscureblackandwhiteliveperformanceofanEnglishcomedycalledDinnerfor
One.They’vebeenshowingitonNewYear’sEvehereforaroundfortyyears.IknowGermans
whoclaimedtohavewatcheditnearlyallfortyofthoseyears,sometimesseveraltimesin
oneevening.Watchingitisaninheritedcustom,donebytheyoungandtheold.Sinceit’son
nearlyeverychannel,it’shardtoignore.Evenifyou’reattendingaNewYear’sEveparty,it’ll
probablybeoninthebackground,likeanoldfriendwhopopsinjustonceayearandin
whosehonouryouhavealittlegathering.
NooneseemsexactlysurewhyorhowwatchingDinnerforOnebecameaNewYear’sEve
institution.Ihaveatheory.Ithinkit’sfairlyobvioustheexecutivesoftheTVchannelsfelt
guiltyaboutallthehorribledubbedshowstheyforceuponthemassesovertheyear,andso
theygottogethertomakeamends,agreeingthatallofthechannelswouldofferonemoviein
English,onaloop,foranentireevening.It’slikethosefreezingcoldplungepoolsyoufindat
saunas.Ashort,sharpimmersion,thenbacktonormal.TheypickedNewYear’sEvebecause
theyfigurednoonewouldbesittingaroundwatchingTV.It’sGermanyafterall,everyonewill
beoffdancing,giddyfromschnapps,oroutblowingthingsup,right?Well,kindof.Which
leadsmetomynextstep…
48.FORGETANYTHINGYOUWEREEVERTOLDABOUT
FIREWORKS
ThreequartersofthemovieTheWickerManareaboutaforeignerinvestigatingastrangeland
inwhichnice,hospitable,butslightlystrangepeoplekeepgettingnaked.Then,whileheis
stilltryingtounderstandthat,suddenlythere’safestivalandeveryonegoescompletely
insane.Whilehe’stryingtorestoreorderandremindeveryonejusthowdangeroustheir
behaviouris,theynotonlyignorehim,butdraghimoffsomewhere,andthensethimonfire.
Thisisnottheplotofafictionalmovie.It’stheaccuratedescriptionofSilvester(New
Year’sEve)inGermany.
InEngland,we’retaughtthatapartfromwrestlingalionwhileyouaresmearedinpeanut
butter,ordoingabsolutelyanythingwhilstit’ssnowing,thesinglemostdangerousthingyou
candoissetofffireworks.Eachtimeyousetoneoff,there’sabouta50%chanceyou’lldie,
instantly.Idon’tknowifthat’srelatedtothefireworksthemselves,orifalongtimeago
someoneplacedagypsycurseontheEnglishandwe’vebeenbusyblowingour-selvesupever
since.FireworksaresodangerousthatwehavenationalTVcommercialcampaignsjustto
remindusaboutthedangersofusingsparklers.Yes,sparklers.Ithinkmorepeoplereceive
injuriesayearfrompillowfightsorfallingcoconutsthanfromsparklers.Here,I’veseen
peoplelightsparklersinthemiddleofadenseconcertcrowd,usethemoncakes,even
fightingthemindoors.Indoors!Unthinkable.
Ioncesawsomeonedeliberatelyfirearocketatawomanridingabike.Ithitheronthe
chest.Sheshrieked.Itjustsortofbouncedoffandfizzledout.Thiswasquiteananticlimax.
MyEnglisheducationhadtaughtmethatsheshouldhavespontaneouslycombusted,and
thenhewouldgoimmediatelytoprisonforsuchanactofobviousterrorism.
NewYear’sEveinGermanyistheeveninginwhichallthenice,normal,practical,riskaversepeoplearereplacedbygun-powder-touting,deathwish-seekingpyromaniacs.Running
aroundlightingfireworkswithrecklessabandon.Sectionsofthecountrybecomemuchlike
downtownBaghdadonmarketday.InGermany,leavingthehouseonNewYear’sEveislike
steppingintoagiant,80millionpersonmultiplayergameofBomberman.
Perhapstheonlycomfortthatcanbetakenfromitisthatifanythingdoesgowrong,
everyoneissuitablyinsured.
49.HATESCHLAGER,KNOWEVERYWORD
Ifyou’veeverseenthe1999movieIdleHands,you’llknowthere’sarareconditioncalled
AlienHandSyndrome,inwhichaperson’shanddevelopsawillofitsown,activelyworking
againstthewishesofitsowner.Germanssufferfromalesserknownbutequallydebilitating
condition,similartoAlienHandSyndrome,onlyaffectingtheirentirebody.It’scalled
Schlageritis.
You’llbesittingwiththeminabeergardensomewhere.It’llreachthattimeintheparty
whensomeonewillputonsomeSchlager.You’llseethesymptomsofSchlageritisgripyour
Germancomradesimmediately.First,they’llmakeacombinationofgrunting,moaning,
complainingnoisesbeforetellingyouhowmuchtheyhateSchlager,andhowit’sthemusical
equivalentofhavingyourintelligencerepeatedlyinsultedforthreeminutes,exceptoveran
artificialdrumbeat.Ignorethem.Thisisanattempttodistancethemselvesfromtheir
Schlageritis.It’sdenial.Next,you’llnoticetheystartmovingtheirhandsalittle.Almost
againsttheirwill.Thenthey’lltrytokeeptalkingnormallybutaccidentallyoneortwoofthe
lyricswillslipoutoftheirmouths.EveryGermanautomaticallyknowseverywordtoevery
Schlagersong.It’sinheritedknowledge,passeddownintheirgenes,liketribesofthe
rainforestwhoknowinstinctivelywhichplantsyoucaneatandwhichwillmakeyouinto
lumpy,deadhumansoup.
They’lltrytofightbackagainsttheirdevelopingsymptoms.Togetcontroloftheirhands
theymightsitonthem,beforetalkingloudlyaboutsomenewinsurancethey’vefound.Or
they’lltrytodistractthemselvesbymakingajoke.Maybethey’llsuggestsomeoneshould
inventSchlagerinsurance,whichpaysoutcompensationeverytimeanyoneisforcedtohear
aSchlagersong.Bynowthey’llbesquirminguncomfortablyintheirseats,astheirbodiesare
tryingtoforcethemupandoutdancing,singing,prostingstrangers.
It’satthispointthattheyhaveonlytwooptionsleft.Theycanremindyouoncemorehow
muchtheyhateSchlagerandthenforceyoutoleavewiththem.Ortheycangiveinto
Schlageritisandjustrelaxintotheparty.Usuallytheypicktoleave.Iftheypickthesecond
optiontheydoitsneakily,bytryingtodisguisetheirenjoymentasbeingironic.Schlager
musicissobadI’llmockitbypretendingit’sgood.Lookatmybigfakegrin!Aren’tIhavingfun?
Lalalalalala,‹I’veneZwiebelaufdemKopf,I’maDöner,›hey!
Donotbefooled,Ausländer,they’relovingit.Youmusttoo.
50.SAYTSSSSSSSSSSSSCHÜÜ-HÜSSSSSSSSS
So,likeallgoodthings,eventhisfunlittleexposéofGermanculturemustcometoanend.
I’mproudofyou,mylittleAusländer,formakingitthroughthefirst49steps.Isitstillright
tocallyouanAusländer?No!Idon’tthinkso.Notanymore.You’reobviouslyreallytryingto
fitintoacountrynotrenownedforgivingthewarmestofwelcomestoitsforeigners.Your
commitmentandenthusiasmishighlycommendable.Nodoubtyou’vealreadyenlargedyour
CV,lengthenedyourbreakfast,andgainedmorequalifications.You’reacredittothisfine,
credit-worthycountry.Congratulations!MylittlehonoraryGerman.Sothen,withsadnessand
finalthankyouforhavingreadthisfar,theonlythingleftformetodoissay
‹Tsssssssssssschüüüühüsssssssss,›whichisstep50.
WiththeexceptionofOktoberfest,Germanyisnotfamousforitsexcesses.It’sactually
rightlyappreciatedforitsmodestyandhumility.Fine,finetraits.WhileusBritswereout
livingituponbank-sponsoredcredit,spendinghundredsofthousandsofpoundsonthese
littleboxeswherewe’dhouseourselves,theGermansstayedintheirrentedhomes,intheir
belovedkitchens.Thereis,however,oneareawheretheyreallyliketolettheircollective
hairdown,wheretheycangetreallywildandflamboyant,andthat’swhensayingtheword
tssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssschhhhhhhhhhhhhhüüüüüüühüüssssssssssssssssssss.
I’mnotexactlysurehowmanyletterslongthewordttttttttttt
ttttttttssssssssssssssssssssssscccccccccchhhhhhhhhüüüü-hüüssssssssssis,butI’mprettysureyou
can’tlayitinagameofScrabble.Itshouldtakeapproximatelyfivesecondstosayandbe
deliverednotinyourvoice,butinoneyou’veborrowedfromaslightlybetter,moremusical,
pitch-perfectversionofyourself.
Tssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssschhhhhhhhhhhhhhüüüü-hüüsssssssssssssssssss,
honoraryGerman,tsssssssssssss
sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssschhhhhhhhhhhhhhüüüühüüsssssssssssssssssss.
Firstedition.2013
©VerlagC.H.BeckoHG,München2013
Coverdesignandcoverillustration:RobertM.Schöne
ISBNbook9783406653643
ISBNe-book(English)9783406656835
ISBNe-book(German)9783406653681
Thebilingualprintededition(English/German)isavailableatallbookstoresandfreeof
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www.chbeck.de,
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