1. Art and Diseño

33333
The Weekly + Thursday, February 5, 2015
We are an Open and Affirming & Just Peace congregation welcoming
all of God’s children into our community of faith.
Cresskill Congregational Church, UCC
85 Union Avenue
Cresskill, NJ 07626
201.568.0608
[email protected]
www.cresskillucc.org
www.facebook.com/cresskillucc
Dear Members and Friends —
On Sunday, I’ll be wrapping up my sermon
series on Good to Great. We’ve been reading
through Jim Collin’s book of the same name and
preaching through Joshua. Joshua has informed us
of many of the leadership traits of modern
successful companies. The purpose of this series
has been to inspire us in our new year as go about
making this year better than last year. This is a New
Year for a New You—you know, that sort of thing.
Sunday’s lesson will focus on the importance of discipline and how great
companies who have succeeded were ones that gave their employees near total freedom,
within particular boundaries. This is a very interesting idea—one that explains why those
boundaries help shape a company’s future and by God’s standards, our futures. Without
boundaries, we can lose our way because it can be very easy to get sidetracked from our
purpose. Boundaries keep us honest, creative, and provide a level of security. Too many
boundaries and those traits are smothered. Too few, and it’s like herding cats. The
strategy is learning to develop one’s own boundaries based on our own successes and
failures.
I’d like to explain this with a long story from the archives of Paul Harvey. Do
you remember him? He was a news reporter on the radio for generations who reported
on off-beat news items or special ones of interest that spoke to one’s character
development, citizenry, and overall moral goodness. He had this way of speaking that
was unmistakable. If you know who he is, you’ll read the following missive in his
unique voice.
Here’s his story:
In 1899, four newspaper reporters from Denver, CO, set out to tear down the Great Wall
of China. They almost succeeded. Literally.
2
The four met by chance one Saturday night, in a Denver railway depot. Al Stevens, Jack
Tournay, John Lewis, Hal Wilshire. They represented the four Denver papers: the New
York Times, the Post, the Republican, and the Rocky Mountain News. Each had been
sent by his respective newspaper to dig up a story—any story—for the Sunday editions;
so the reporters were in the railroad station, hoping to snag a visiting celebrity should one
happen to arrive that evening by train.
None arrived that evening, by train or otherwise. The reporters started commiserating.
For them, no news was bad news; all were facing empty-handed return trips to their city
desks. Al declared he was going to make up a story and hand it in. The other three
laughed. Someone suggested they all walk over to the Oxford Hotel and have a beer.
They did. Jack said he liked Al’s idea about faking a story. Why didn’t each of them fake
a story and get off the hook?
John said Jack was thinking too small. Four half-baked fakes didn’t cut it. What they
needed was one real whopper they could all use.
Another round of beers.
A phony domestic story would be too easy to check on, so they began discussing foreign
angles that would be difficult to verify. And that is the rest of the story.
China was distant enough, it was agreed. They would write about China.
John leaned forward, gesturing dramatically in the dim light of the barroom. Try this one
on, he said: Group of American engineers, stopping over in Denver en route to China.
The Chinese government is making plans to demolish the Great Wall; our engineers are
bidding on the job.
Harold was skeptical. Why would the Chinese want to destroy the Great Wall of China?
John thought for a moment. They’re tearing down the ancient boundary to symbolize
international good will, to welcome foreign trade!
Another round of beers.
By 11:00 p.m., the four reporters had worked out the details of their preposterous story.
After leaving the Oxford Bar, they would go over to the Windsor Hotel. They would sign
four fictitious names to the hotel register. They would instruct the desk clerk to tell
anyone why asked that four New Yorkers had arrived that evening, had been interviewed
by reporters, had left early the next morning for California.
The Denver newspapers carried the story. All four of them. Front page. In fact, the Times
headline that Sunday read: GREAT CHINESE WALL DOOMED! PEKING SEEKS
WORLD TRADE! Of course, the story was a phony, a ludicrous fabrication concocted
by four capricious reporters in a hotel bar. But their story was taken seriously, was
picked up and expanded by newspapers in the Eastern U.S. and then by newspapers
3
abroad.
When the Chinese themselves learned that the Americans were sending a demolition
crew to tear down their national monument, most were indignant; some were enraged!
Particularly incensed were the members of a secret society, a volatile group of Chinese
patriots who were already wary of foreign intervention. They, inspired by the story,
exploded, rampaged against the foreign embassies in Peking, slaughtered hundreds of
missionaries.
In two months, 12,000 troops from six countries joined forces, invaded China with the
purpose of protecting their own compatriots. The bloodshed that followed, sparked by a
journalistic hoax invented in a barroom in Denver, became the white-hot international
conflagration known to every high school history student . . . as the Boxer Rebellion.
This reporter’s fictitious story changed the world and caused untold grief and
hardship. The reporters crossed a boundary of trust and defiled their profession and their
responsibilities. They used their positions to do what they thought was protecting their
jobs not thinking of the repercussions. Theirs is an example of boundaries crossed,
ethics violated, and turmoil ensued.
On Sunday, I will be preaching about the importance of discipline and success
within clear boundaries—ones that help us transform our futures and our faith. We’ll
look to Jesus as the one who gave us that freedom and to Paul to help us reign in those
freedoms for the sake of others. It will be a good ending to our sermon series. I hope
you can join us. If you have enjoyed this series, please invite a friend to attend with you.
Lent begins this month. We are having a special Ash Wednesday service on
Wednesday, February 18 at 7:30 PM. This Lent, I will be preaching on the 7 Deadly Sins
and their corresponding virtues. We are also having a Wednesday night Soup and Bible
study on these sins. We’ll study more about them in-depth by briefly watching a DVD
each session and then having a discussion afterwards. It’ll be a lot of fun; I hope you can
join us. Please look for the signup sheet in the Social Hall after church on Sunday.
As an aside, I heard there is another snowstorm brewing for Sunday night. Please
be careful driving or find a way to stay inside. With Daylight Savings Time being only 5
Sundays away, Spring is just around the corner. Don’t give up hope. This too shall soon
pass (assuming you don’t enjoy the snow as much as I do).
See you on Sunday!
Yours in Christ,
the Rev. Dr. David C. Bocock
4
P.S., After you’re done reading, go to this YouTube video of his voice and a favorite
story of his. Watch out, the recommended videos afterwards can be sickening. But, this
is a fun story and once you hear what he thinks the Devil would do, you’ll see why he’s
still so popular: http://youtu.be/H3Az0okaHig.
Community News + Events
The church office hours are Monday through Thursday, 10:00 AM - 5:00 PM. If you
would like to speak with the pastor at a different time, he is available by appointment.
Facebook Church is an online faith study and liturgy. Every Wednesday by 12:00
Noon, a new liturgy is uploaded for your faith journey. It is a time of spiritual
refreshment. You are encouraged to participate at your leisure.
The Church Council meeting has been rescheduled due to the threat of an impending
snow storm. The actual date of the new meeting will be selected shortly.
Confirmation will be meeting on Sunday, Feburary 8 at 1:00 PM in the Pastor's office.
This session deals with our denomination of the United Church of Christ.
Ash Wednesday beings our Lenten Season. Join us on Wednesday, February 18 for an
evening of contemplation and soul searching. The service begins at 7:30 PM.
Small Groups begin again this month. This year's line up includes a women's group,
Wednesday night Bible study, Sophie's Porch philosophy club, a Hiking Group, and a
Caregivers Group. If you're interested in any of these, please contact the church office or
the following small group leaders with your interest. Women's Group: Elaine Hargrove;
Bible Study: Pastor Bo; Sophie's Porch: Jack Rickly; Hiking Group: Jack Flynn;
Caregivers Group: Carolyn Schinkel.
The Wednesday night Bible study begins THIS Wednesday, February 4 at 7:30 PM at
the River Edge Diner, 516 Kinderkamack Road, River Edge, NJ. We will discuss the
current under-inflated footballs that led the Patriots into and win the Super Bowl. We'll
meet at the diner for another Wednesday, February 11. Then, the Bible study morphs
into our Lenten Study of the 7 Deadly Sins which will begin on Wednesday, February 25
at 7:30 PM at the church. We'll be serving various soups as they relate to the 7 Deadly
Sins and then we'll watch a DVD that leads into a discussion and Bible study.
JUST PEACE COMMITTEE ENCOURAGES THE SUPPORT OF PRESIDENT
OBAMA'S VETO OF THE KEYSTONE PIPELINE.
The national United Church of Christ and our local Just Peace Committee are
advocates for supporting the rejection of the Keystone XL pipeline. As of January 29,
the House and Senate have approved the pipeline. Will you support President Obama as
5
he makes his decision to VETO the pipeline? The veto will prevent the destruction of
wildlife and forests in the path of the pipeline. Carbon emissions in the air from pollution
trap heat and cause massive storms and severe weather events. Saving the forests will
help to absorb carbon emissions. The oil that is to be transported will not even benefit
the U.S., but will be shipped overseas.
You can write a personal letter to President Obama to offer him support by going
to The White House (www.whitehouse.gov) Click on "contact us" and then the section
where you can write a letter to the President.
Join us on Sunday, February 22 immediately after church for our Annual Meeting. We
will meet to approve our budget, elect officers, and receive reports. Everyone is invite to
attend but only church members are allowed to vote.
There is a new subcategory on our Just Peace tab on this website.
The tab is called Activism and it is your way to get involved in our
efforts of advocating for justice and insightful ways to help sustain
our environment.
One ministry we provide is to offer you the opportunity to bring one can of food per
person every Sunday to be donated to the Cresskill Food Pantry, which benefits nearly
50 families in our borough of Cresskill who are in need of assistance. You can bring in
your donations to the church during the week or on Sunday. John and Dot Pontician take
the donations to the pantry at the beginning of every week.
If you are interested in promoting your Church event or project to the community
through local newspapers, feel free to contact Carole Lotito, using our new online PR
Request Form. The link is also posted on our website. http://bit.ly/CresskillUCCPR.
Carole will create a flyer (and send you the file), register your event on MyBergen.com
and NorthJersey.com (and other sites where appropriate), and/or create and distribute a
press release based on your request.
Please continue to submit your internal promotion requests (CUCC website,
newsletter, bulletin, Facebook) to Theresa Muti. More comfortable with a pen and paper?
Hard copies of the PR Request Form are available in the church office. Please complete
and mail to Carole Lotito, 67 Pierce Avenue, Cresskill, NJ, 07626. To speak with Carole
directly, please call (201) 294-7309.
THIS COMING SUNDAY
You are invited to join us for worship on February 8, 2015 at 10:00 AM. The Scripture
lessons are Joshua 23:1-8 & Colossians 2:16-23. The sermon series is titled, "Good to
Great" The title of the sermon is, "A Culture of Discipline." The Lay Leader for the
service is Jack Flynn.
6
COFFEE HOUR
Following our morning service, you are invited to get acquainted and catch up with new
and old friends alike during our Coffee Hour. If you would like to help serve and provide
light refreshments during our time of fellowship, please locate the signup sheet in the
Social Hall.
Joys + Concerns of the Congregation
Starting your day with a prayerful devotion can provide added
spiritual strength for what lies ahead. We recommend
the daily devotions found online at the UCC's Daily devotional
webpage.
Every Sunday morning, we collect prayer requests and lift
them up during the service. We also post those requests here
including their name, for you to pray for them.
If you would like to submit a prayer request now, you may send an email to Pastor Bo at
[email protected] and it will be posted shortly.
These prayers are posted as of February 3, 2015.
Please pray for:
General prayers of faith and well-being
Prayers of joy to the Burgess family on the birth of their baby girl Jane Catherine
Prayers for Maggie and Tim as they start a new life together
Dottie Fischer, for the loss of her partner Bob
Margaret Brenneiser as she acclimates to assisted living
The family and friends of Raymond Worsham who passed away
Hattie Parks, who is in the process of relocating
Henry Hecht
Carolyn and Jim Smith
The life and health of Eddie Cerami
Kathy's grandson as he is baptized
Dave Reeves for clarity
Brendan for direction & God's light
Gregory Capone who is waiting to hear about a job with UPS
Pat Bailey who is mourning the loss of her mother
Our leaders in Congress to be touched with God's wisdom
Praising God for Larry Bischoff being cancer free!
For the safety of all police officers
7
God bless our country
For the family and friends of Kathleen Lewendowski's, who passed away.
The family and friends of Bari Moscitti, who passed away
The family and friends of Ralph Werner who passed away
Judy Russell
Nellie Hutchinson
John Russell
Don Crabtree for strength in setting boundaries
Philip McLendon
Bless our country and our leaders.
Robert Smith
The Kassing family as they deal with familial mental illness
Those who struggle with addictions that they won't give up
Health & Healing
Clifford, to start getting well from health issues
Scott Fleming as he continues his battle with ALS
Axa Duran's medical issues
Bernice D'Ippolito during her recuperation and healing for her conjunctivitis
Lisa Pontician, as she makes health decisions
William Roettger, recovering from back surgery
Cory Bartlett
Margaret Brenneiser
Families struggling with addiction
Lisa Pontician, requiring several surgeries.
Larry, returning to work after cancer treatments
Bernice D'Ippolito as she recuperates at Brentwood
Karen and Ed Minkler
Marion, our former church secretary, as she battles cancer
George Zimmerman
Walter Halden, healing from broken ribs
Bobby Fraet suffering from COPD
Lisa Pontician for better health
Samantha Sestok
Luke, a 3 year old fighting cancer
Bob Hashway who is having surgery on his hand
Ed Minkler for peace during cancer treatment
Barbara Laidlaw
Vic and Michelle who are very ill
Ed Cassidy, looking for answers and healing
Kristen Stanzak as she rests
Robert O'Dell, father of Sarah, for healing
Comfort and recovery for Robert O'Dell
Ed Walsh, suffering from a stroke
Baby Gregory, who is having surgery this week
Gloria and her nephew, both diagnosed with cancer
8
Jonathan for healing from many illnesses
Walter Halden, with kidney stones
Tom O'Brien, with health concerns
John Pontician
Joanne Maneri who is having surgery
Tatiana Logan
Samantha Zimmerman, healing from hip surgery
Gloria Hermo, healing from a herniated disc
Devotion + News + Tidbits
UCC Daily Devotion
from http://www.ucc.org/feed-your-spirit/daily-devotional/
Freedom for What?
February 05, 2015
by Vince Amlin
"You were called to freedom, brothers and sisters; only do not use your freedom as an
opportunity for self-indulgence, but through love become servants of one another. For the
whole law is summed up in a single commandment, 'You shall love your neighbor as
yourself.'" - Galatians 5:13-14
Recently I heard a talk on the poetry of the Civil War. The speaker read Henry Timrod's
"The Unknown Dead," which contains the following lines:
"Beneath yon lonely mound—the spot
By all save some fond few forgot—
Lie the true martyrs of the fight,
Which strikes for freedom and for right."
What made these words remarkable to me was that their author is a man often called the
Poet Laureate of the Confederacy, and the freedom fighters to which he un-ironically
refers were Confederate soldiers warring on behalf of southern secession and the
"peculiar institution" of American slavery.
Perhaps I should not have been so surprised, since in our time, too, the cause of
"freedom" is invoked on all sides of any issue. Whatever else we may be fighting for, we
are always fighting for freedom; the freedom, namely, to do whatever it is we're fighting
9
for.
It was no different in Paul's day. People were eager to claim their freedom. But Paul
reminds the Christians in Galatia that for them freedom is never an end in itself. It always
begs the question, "What is my freedom for?"
Those who seek to follow Paul's freeing God are called not to jealously guard their
freedom but rather to give it away freely in love for their neighbors.
Prayer
God of Liberation, set us free from the fear that leads to self-indulgence. Teach us to
spend our freedom generously in love for one another.
About the Author
Vince Amlin is Associate Minister at the United Church of Gainesville, Gainesville,
Florida.
UCC to March Forth for Literacy
February 03, 2015
Written by Anthony Moujaes
Volunteer at an after-school program. Donate books
to a local library. Build a "Little Library" in the
community. The United Church of Christ, urging
congregations to promote literacy in the Reading
Changes Lives initiative, is reminding members to
take action next month by collecting books,
volunteering, advocating and donating in a one-day,
church-wide effort—March Forth for Literacy—on
March 4.
March Forth for Literacy will be a day for a
concentrated focus on literacy awareness throughout the UCC. It will offer congregations
the opportunity to share with the wider church their involvement in literacy issues locally
and nationally, and will give individuals the chance to share their experiences, either as
volunteers with literacy organizations or persons who have struggled with literacy
themselves.
10
"When we began Reading Changes Lives, we wanted to demonstrate the impact of
literacy and its importance in everyday life," said the Rev. M. Linda Jaramillo, executive
minister of the UCC Justice and Witness Ministries. "There was a tremendous response
to that, and we are just as excited to see how people are moved to action to March Forth
for Literacy."
Reading Changes Lives began in the fall of 2014 with the inaugural "One Read," an allchurch read of the inspirational book, "Hotdogs and Hamburgers: Unlocking Life’s
Potential by Inspiring Literacy at Any Age," by Rob Shindler.
The initiative continues this spring with March Forth for Literacy, promoting
denomination-wide goals and hands-on participation, similar to past all-church initiatives,
Mission: 1 and Mission 4/1 Earth.
Later this year, General Synod 30, taking place in late June in Cleveland, will highlight
literacy as a service project focus and ask Synod attendees to participate within the
greater Cleveland community, one of the country's urban centers of illiteracy.
First UCC in Sugarcreek, Ohio, has been busy working since September to advance
literacy. The congregation partnered with the Tuscarawas County Literacy Coalition to
promote two reading projects. The first was a reading of "Hotdogs and Hamburgers" as
part of the UCC’s One Read, and the second was a reading of "Side-Yard Super Hero."
Members of the church were encouraged to join the coalition and volunteer for local
events sponsored by that group.
"We introduced the One Read literacy initiative on Sept. 7," said church member Pat
Edgar. "Our Women's Book Club at church just finished reading and discussing Hot
Dogs and Hamburgers, so the word is continuing to spread."
In the months since, Edgar, who has helped lead the church’s efforts, has worked to
arrange a visit for Shindler to speak sometime this spring in the area on the effects of low
reading levels in the U.S.
"Literacy stirs my mind and soul, and hopefully my hands, to action," Edgar said.
A Texas congregation, inspired by Reading Changes Lives, is undertaking a project to
fund a Worldreader project that would supply 50 e-readers and 5,000 books to a school
for the deaf in Kenya, donating $1,000 to the cause.
"Over Christmas we gathered some money for a Faith UCC Literacy Fund," said the Rev.
Scott Martin, pastor at Faith UCC in New Braunfels, Texas.
Now they’re trying to urge others to do the same. The program costs $10,000, and
Worldreader is looking for 10 individuals or groups to fund the project so it can move
forward.
11
"So far only Faith UCC and a family on the West Coast have signed up. They seem to be
having trouble finding other people or organizations to make a $1,000 each. [I think this]
would be perfect for the UCC emphasis on literacy."
Statistics show that almost 30 million people in the U.S. read below a fifth-grade level,
which means that nearly 14 percent of the adult population doesn't read well enough to
fill out a job application.
Said Jaramillo, "It warms my heart that we have so many churches whose passion for
justice burns bright. They recognize literacy as an important issue—considering the
literacy rates in this country—and are stepping out to do something.
"On March 4, we hope the wider church will join us as we work together to help those
struggling with literacy."
Check the UCC Facebook page for more on March Forth for Literacy, and ways to report
your church’s participation, or contact Judith Youngman, the UCC Literacy
Coordinator, at [email protected].
Christianity Is More Than Just Being a Good Person
Why living out the Gospel must be paired with speaking about it.
By Stephen Mattson
February 2, 2015
Stephen Mattson blogs at stephenjmattson.com and you can follow him on Twitter
@mikta.
12
When someone does something nice, kind, or even loving for me or my family, I think,
“Wow, what a great person!” or “That’s so nice!” or “What a wonderful thing to do!”
Here’s what I don’t think: “That person must be a Christian” or “I want to learn more
about God” or “I’m inspired to visit a church!” or “I think I should read a Bible.”
The problem with simply “living out our faith”—showing people we’re Christians
through loving acts of service and kindness—is that it doesn’t communicate anything
beyond basic goodness. At some point, Christians must actually talk about Christ.
Realistically, you can’t really tell who’s a Christian and who isn’t by observing their
actions, listening to their words and witnessing their lifestyle. You can’t enter a grocery
store or walk through a busy downtown and specifically point out who’s Christian and
who’s not—neither can anyone else.
Let’s stop pretending we’re evangelizing when in reality we’re just practicing common
decency. Being nice, kind, helpful, respectful and generally a good person isn’t the same
thing as communicating the Gospel of Christ.
Don’t get me wrong, we are called to love our neighbors—even our enemies!—and
humbly serve others as Jesus did. Of course we are! But Jesus also talked about
spirituality, faith and His relationship with God and the Holy Spirit.
He mentioned things like sin, salvation, faith, forgiveness and the Kingdom of God. His
actions were coupled with a message: the Gospel.
The problem with many modern Christians is that we’ve seen and experienced too much
bad evangelism: the crazy street preachers shouting at strangers, the late-night
televangelists peddling for money, The Westboro Baptists picketing funerals, the corrupt
pastors who eventually make the news for all the wrong reasons.
Christians are so tired of the harassment, manipulation, hidden agendas, lies, abuse, hate,
bigotry and downright sin that’s been associated with “spreading the Gospel of Christ”
that they’ve simply abandoned talking about Jesus altogether.
Telling anyone about Christ or the Bible or even carefully inviting someone to church is a
social faux pas. It’s becoming less culturally acceptable to evangelize.
It’s understandable why many believers don’t want to. You don’t want to be seen as that
person: The crazed lunatic who believes in a supernatural deity, the anti-science, antienvironment, homophobic, religious fundamentalist who believes in the existence of an
afterlife.
Thus, Christian churches, schools and other institutions slowly adapt to a form of
accommodation—where comfort, entertainment and personal satisfaction are idolized
13
above truth, where God is simply utilized as a conceptual permission for our passive
apathy.
When this happens, the message of being a Christian is translated to mean: be a good
person.
To escape negative perceptions, we avoid sharing the Gospel altogether. Similar to
talking about politics, we avoid speaking about God, the Holy Spirit, Jesus, the Bible and
anything else that makes us—and definitely others—uncomfortable.
But discomfort is sometimes the first sign of something being meaningful. We’re often
passionate about superficial things because we’re afraid to be vulnerable about anything
important.
Christians tend to prefer evangelizing entirely one way or the other. They either
evangelize with just actions, or just words. The key is to find a balance of both.
What we really need to do is emulate Jesus. A faith in Christ surely requires love, peace
and the fruits of the Spirit. But it also demands that we promote Christ’s existence with
others through gracefully sharing our testimonies and being willing to intentionally
communicate the love of God.
Glorify God and share His wonderful existence through the verbal, active, demonstrative
and life-changing love of Jesus. God help us.
No, You Don't Complete Me
Donald Miller on what 'Jerry Maguire' got wrong about what it means to love.
By Donald Miller
February 3, 2015
14
Donald Miller is the founder of Storyline, which helps people plan their lives using
elements of story. He is the author of multiple New York Times best-sellers and is the
founder of a nonprofit that helps provide mentors for children.
When I was a kid I remember seeing the movie Jerry Maguire. There is a famous scene
in the movie in which Jerry Maguire tells Dorothy Boyd that she completes him. That
scene was all the rage back then and couples everywhere were saying it to each other in
coffee shops and bars. Even I thought it was a beautiful sentiment. But now that I’m older
and smarter, I have a new name for it: codependency.
I didn’t know anything about codependency before going a therapy group called Onsite.
And even after I heard it defined, I didn’t realize I struggled with it myself, but I did. And
it cost me relationship after relationship.
Codependency happens when too much of your sense of validation or security comes
from somebody else. Now that I know what it is, I can spot it pretty easily. If somebody
obsesses over whether another person likes them or returns an e-mail or whatever, it’s a
symptom of codependency, though a mild one. Stalking would be a scarier version of the
same tendency.
Three Pillows
I’ve a close friend who is a love addict. He goes from girl to girl ruining relationships by
smothering them. What he doesn’t realize is that no amount of love any of those girls
returns is going to heal the hole in his heart.
At Onsite, our group therapist created a terrific visual example of what a healthy
relationship looks like. She put three pillows on the floor and asked a couple of us to
stand on the pillows. She told us to leave the middle pillow open. She pointed at my
pillow and said, “Don, that’s your pillow, that’s your life. The only person who gets to
step on that pillow is you. Nobody else. That’s your territory, your soul.” Then she
pointed at my friend’s pillow and told her that was her pillow, that she owned it and it
was her soul. Then, the therapist said, the middle pillow symbolized the relationship.
She said that both of us could step into the middle pillow any time we wanted because
we’d agreed to be in a relationship. However, she said, at no point is it appro- priate to
step on the other person’s pillow. What goes on in the other person’s soul is none of your
business. All you’re responsible for is your soul, nobody else’s. Regarding the middle
pillow, the question to ask is, “What do I want in a relationship?” If the pillow you two
step on together works, that’s great. If not, move on or simply explain what you’d like
life to feel like in the middle pillow and see if the other person wants that kind of
relationship too. But never, she said, ever try to change each other. Know who you are
and know what you want in a relationship, and give people the freedom to be themselves.
I wish I’d have heard that in my twenties. I can’t tell you how many girls’ pillows I’ve
stomped on trying to get them to change. And the sleepless nights I’ve spent wondering
15
what they were thinking or how much they liked me or whether I was a good enough man
for them. A complete waste of time.
At one point, while working with our group therapist, I mentioned that if I did such and
such a thing the girl I was seeing might think, blah blah blah. She stopped the session and
asked me why I spent so much time wondering what other people were thinking.
“That’s going to drive you crazy, Don,” she said. “Just ask yourself if you’re happy and
what you want in a relationship and that’s it. What’s going on in other people’s minds is
none of your business.”
Suddenly I felt like a Peeping Tom of the soul, going through the neighborhood looking
in the windows of people’s souls wondering what they were doing in there. And just like
that, a habit I’d developed decades before felt creepy.
Holding Loosely
In a way, that's the difference between my relationship with Betsy and my relationships
with all the other girls. Because I know which pillow is mine and which pillow is hers, I
hold Betsy loosely. If she wants to leave she can go. I’m responsible for my own health
and happiness, and I’m responsible to ask what I want in a relationship and to try to make
the middle pillow comfortable and safe for her, but that’s it. Of course we will stand and
make promises to each other at our wedding but even then, even with a spouse, I’ve come
to believe a person’s love for you can’t grow unless you hold that person loosely.
And that feels good. Unlike every other girl I’ve dated, I’ve never wondered where Betsy
was or who she was with. I’ve never looked at her phone, and I’ve never looked at her
Facebook page. Her life is her life and mine is mine and what we have together is a
relationship. And it’s great.
I don’t want you to misunderstand me: I love Betsy more than any woman I’ve ever met
and I believe I always will. But this is a healthy love, not the needy love I’ve experienced
in the past. Before, I’d try to control whoever I loved so she couldn’t get away. Much of
it was passive control, but it was there all the same. I used fear and guilt and shame to
close my fingers around my girlfriend’s heart, and without exception I killed whatever
love could have grown.
I now know there were two dominant influences that caused me to clench my fist. The
first was the fact I was trying to use women to heal old wounds, and the second was the
false assumption I could be made complete by any of these women in the first place.